A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real Rugby player.

They start to talk and eventually go back to his place:

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

“What’s that for?” the lady questions.

“Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.”

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

‘What’s that ?’ the lady questions again.

“Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.”

Then the man drops his underwear and on his pen!s, he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams:

“Don’t tell me you have AIDS!”

The man replies:

“No, no…!!! Calm down…!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute…

   

Dave and his wife were working in their garden one day when Dave looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.

“Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!” He exclaims while laughing. His wife chose to ignore the husband.

Later that night in bed Dave was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one tiny little weenie?

An old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says “I want to get a tattoo”.

The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?”

Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh”

Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?”

Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!”

Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.”

Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh”

Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?”

Old lady: “Because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!”

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, “Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o’clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn’t wait any longer. It was 4 o’clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal.”
“A rehearsal?” his buddy asks, “Don’t you mean a performance?”

“No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes

 

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes.

“Hello, toes.”, he said.

How are you? You know, you are92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”

“Hello, knees.”, he continued.

“How are you? You know you’re 92 today.

Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade?

Oh, the hurdles we’ve jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees.”

Then, he looked down at his cr0tch.

“Hello, W!llie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you’d be 92!!.

An old man and an old woman are sitting in their rocking chair.

The old woman embroiders while the old man reads the paper.

The old woman looks at him with remembrance in her eyes, and she says,

“Honey you don’t ever sit next to me like you used to.”

He puts the paper down and scoots over close to her.

Then she says, “Honey you don’t ever put your arm around me anymore.”

He again Puts the paper down and puts his arm around her.

She said, “Honey you never nibble on my ear anymore. “

He gets up and walks away!

She said, “Honey where are you going “and

He said, “gotta go get my teeth.”

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don’t even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I’m not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin.

All of a sudden, a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside them.

“Hey! Show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary and says,

“I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross!”

Sister Mary rolls down the window and shouts,

“Piss off ya’ fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”

Sister Mary then rolls up her window, looks over at Mother Superior quite innocently and asks,

“Did that sound cross enough?”