We were fooling around, the passion started to heat up, when she suddenly says: “I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT? Then what was all that about?!?”

Then she uttered the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…

“You're just not in touch enough with my emotional needs as a woman, for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She saw my puzzled look and said, “Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I decided to take the day off work to spend time with her.  We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.  She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her “we'll just buy them all”.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you, she was so excited.  She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.  I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That's fine, honey.”She was almost nearing ecstatic satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don't feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!”

Then I said, “Really, honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while

You're just not in touch enough with my financial needs as a man, for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

An irate old lady called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where her Sunday paper was.

“Madam,” said the newspaper employee, “Today is Saturday.

The Sunday edition is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday.”

There was a long pause on the other end of the line.

Then she was heard to mutter, “Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church this morning.”

 This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some “Nair” hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.” The lady says: “I’m not using it under my arms.”

The druggist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.”

The lady says: “I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer..”

The druggist says: “Stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”

 

One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.

He said, “We’re learning about make love education.”

She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something use full.”

Billy went up to his room.

A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner.

She opens his door and sees him jerking off.

She says, “Billy, when you’re done with your homework, supper’s on the table.

 

A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy rubber pack and tries to explain what he wants with sign language.

The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his weapon and 50 dollars.

The pharmacist then also pulls out his weapon, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket.

The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently.

At the pharmacist who says:

“If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the rubber pack display.

Boy: “Dad, why do they do packs of one rubber pack?”

Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”

Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”

Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”

Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”

Dad: “Those are for married couples you know, January, February, March.”

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.

As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, “You aren’t that good in bed either!”

By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.

“What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?”

“I was in bed.”

“What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”

The man says, “Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make ’em doubles.”

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

“You’d drink ’em this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”

The man quickly replies, “I only have a dollar.”