A Jamaican wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.

“Here is your first question”, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” the Jamaican says, “Dat is easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.

“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Jamaican.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt, “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little dog come along and crap by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.”

“So, when I start?”

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.

“Oh, no!” she suddenly exclaimed. “Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He’ll be so annoyed if it’s not ready on time.”

When she got home, she opened a can of cat food, stirred in an egg and garnished it with a lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

“Darling, this is the best dinner you’ve made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day.”

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the clubhouse and one of them said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his ass”

Attending a wedding for the first time,

A little girl whispered to her mother,

“Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,”

her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said,

“So, why’s the groom wearing black?”

The breeding roosters of the poultry farm are getting old, so the farmer buys new roosters.

After he arrived, the new rooster walked up to the old rooster and said, “Grandpa, listen here! This whole farm is mine!”

Old Rooster: “Okay mate? At least stick with your old hen? Stay in the back?”

The new rooster stood firm: “No way! All the chickens are mine!”

The old rooster sighed and suggested that they both race around the farmhouse, if the old rooster wins, he stays on the farm, and if he loses, he leaves and gets a new rooster.

The only catch is that the old rooster is not well, so he needs a good start.

And so the roosters line up, the old one nods, and the new rooster takes off.

As you walk in front of the house, the old rooster is right in front of you. He is very close to winning. Stretching his neck, he ran forward, desperately trying to close the gap between them.

At that moment the farmer looked up from the porch and saw two roosters; he took out his gun and shot the new rooster in the head,

“Shit! Third gay chick this week!”

 

The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar: “What’ll you have?”

The guy answered: “A scotch, please.”

The bartender handed him the drink and said: “That’ll be $5.”

The guy said: “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender: “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy: “Okay, I’ll let you off this time, but don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

A new teacher was getting to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father did for a living.

The first little girl said: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”

The next child, a little boy, said: “My name is Andy and my dad’s a mechanic.”

And so it went on until one little boy said: “My name is Johnny and my dad is a stripper in a lesbian bar.”

The teacher gasped in shock and quickly changed the subject.

Later in the school yard the teacher approached Johnny privately and asked if it was really true that his father danced undressed in a lesbian bar.

Johnny blushed and said: “No, he’s really a business development director at Lehman Brothers, but I’m just too embarrassed to tell anyone.”

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

“I can’t wear your trousers” she said.

“That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

“Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your underwear!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

“Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.