One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence.

So Janet raised her hand and said, “the sky is absolutely blue”

The teacher said no, “it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors.”

Another little boy raised his hand and said,

“the leaves on the trees are absolutely green”

The teacher said no, “they could be different colors at different times of the year.”

Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there were lumps in farts, the teacher said “no, I don’t believe so”.

And Little Johnny said, “well then I absolutely just s**t in my pants!”

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.

Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he’ll carry her groceries out to which he responds, “Sure lady”.

They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers,

“You know, I have an Itchy private part”, to which he responds, “You’ll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look a like!!”

 

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup.

Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had make love for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s make love drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him pills?”

The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the pills into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

The old lady was delighted.

She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned.

She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

“How did it go?” the doctor asked.

“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”

“Did it not work?”

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best lovemaking that I’d had in 25 years.”

“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

I’m furious, my wife is cheating on me with a painter.

I found traces of paint in the bed.

 It’s good that with a painter, and mine cheats on me with a truck.

“That’s enough, how about a truck?”

“I found a driver in bed.”

 

A horny young man went to a bawdy house.

The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be.

The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, “On the first floor, we have the ex-models… they are all slinky and hot… On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses… they are all buxom and beautiful… On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers…. they…”

Man, “Say no more! Lead me to the third floor.”

Madam, “Are you sure… I’m surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.”

Man, “It’s obvious, ma’am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you’re perfect at it.”

After the race, the race car driver picked up a girl, took her home and laid her down.
He punched her in the face and she fell asleep only to wake up suddenly.
“What happened? Didn’t I protect you when you got to safety?” he asked.

“It was only after you went to sleep that you got into trouble,” said the angry woman.
“You smelled my melon in your sleep and mumbled, ‘What a beautiful light.’
And you groped my thighs and muttered, “what a smooth finish.”
“What happened?” asked the driver.

“Nothing, but then you sense my privacy and yell, ‘Who left the garage door open?’

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,

“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.

She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.

The telegraph operator shakes his head.

“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, “comfortable?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slow.”

Three girls walked into a pub, but the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here.”

The girls look puzzled and ask, “What do you mean? We just wanted some drinks!”

The bartender replies, “I meant we don’t serve minors. You all look way too happy to be 21!”

Read a story about three girls in a pub

There are three girls at a pub, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. They have taken seats at the polished wooden pub, each with a unique air of anticipation in their eyes. It’s a Friday evening, and the dimly lit establishment hums with the energy of the after-work crowd. The clinking of glasses and murmurs of conversations fill the air as the trio scans the menu, their eyes darting from one drink option to another.

The redhead, whose name is Sarah, leans in and scans the cocktail list with a mischievous glint in her emerald-green eyes. She’s the adventurous one of the group, always up for trying new things. She orders a vibrant blue concoction, a “Mystic Blue Lagoon,” and grins at her friends. “Ladies, tonight we’re stepping out of our comfort zones,” she announces with a wink.

The brunette, named Mia, chuckles and opts for a classic martini. She’s the practical one, balancing out Sarah’s impulsiveness and the impending unpredictability of the night. “Cheers to spontaneity,” she toasts, clinking her glass with Sarah’s.

The blonde, Emily, purses her lips thoughtfully before settling on a glass of red wine. She’s the introspective one, often lost in her own thoughts, and tonight seems like no exception. Her azure eyes wander around the bar, taking in the eclectic mix of patrons and the warm, amber lighting that casts a cozy glow on everything.