The priest leaned closer to hear the girl’s confession.

“So me and my cousin were alone in the house,” she continued, “and went up to my bedroom…”

“Go on, my child,” said the priest gently.

“I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on my….on my…”

“Go on.”

“On my private part,” stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.

“And touched me and touched me until I couldn’t help myself.”

“Yes, go on,” the priest directed.

“I pulled down his pants and his weapon popped out, stiff and tall,” the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, “and he began to shove it in me so hard…”

“Yes, yes… Go on,” he urged, breathing hard.

“And then we heard the front door slam…”

“Oh, shit!!

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE …NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON’T BEAT ME UP
2) WON’T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you? And what do you want?”

“Hi,” he said, “your search is over, for I’m the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms so I can’t beat you up and no legs so I can’t run away.”

“Well, then,” she said, “what makes you think that you’re so great in bed?”

To which he replied – “Well, I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar. So, one night he took her along with him.

“What'll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don't know

The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered beer and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!” she spluttered, “I don't know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband.

“And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!”

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you.

I’ve been having an affair with my secretary.

I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.

” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,

“You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”

Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.

To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.

Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”

The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.”

These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.

 

A boy comes back from school, disappointed, because he got a 0 on a geography exam.

“The teacher gave me a zero because I couldn’t answer a question on Portugal,” he said.

His mother asked, “What was the question?”

“Where’s Portugal.”

“The idiot teacher, I’m going to call the principal’s office. In the meantime we’re going to find where Portugal is.”

She gets a map of the state and can’t find Portugal. Then she gets a map of the region and still can’t find Portugal. She gets a map of the city and can’t find Portugal.

“I swear Portugal can’t be far.

The maid is from Portugal and she comes here to work everyday on her bicycle.”

 

At the National Art Gallery, an elderly husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of Afri*can Ame*ricans in a predominately white patriarchal society .

“In fact”, he pointed out,

“Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society”.

After the curator left, a Newfie approached the couple and said,

“Would you like to know what the painting is really about”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery”, asked the couple

“Because I am the artist, who painted the picture”, he replied,

“In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Newfie coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch”.

I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu.

He says, “No, WTF man!? Are you asking because I'm Chinese?!”

I said, “No, it's because you're drinking my beer.”