A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period.

Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Nescafe.” Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: “Good till the last drop.” Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Benson&Hedges”. Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: “Extra Long King Size.” She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.

Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: “British Airways”. Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline.

The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.” (Mom fainted)

Bubba the old Redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God’s country.

When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay.

But first, he must find a job:

Bubba walks into an international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector.

It’s his lucky day!

They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.

“See that tree over there, I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.”

Bubba the redneck promptly answers.

“That there’s white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in ‘er.”

The foreman is impressed! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road.

He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question.

This time, it’s a bigger tree of a different class.

Bubba replies. “That’s a loblolly pine and she’s got about 456 clear board feet.”

The foreman is really impressed with the good ol’ boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again.

This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says. “And what about that one?”

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Bubba says.

“White oak, 242 board feet at best.”

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is.

As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him.

“See that tree over there?” “I want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!”

The foreman thinks to himself.

“Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?”

When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground.

He then reaches up and places a big white ‘X’ on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. “That there’s the front,” Bubba says.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically.

“How in the hell do you know that’s the front of the tree?”

The good ol’ boy looks down at his feet while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies.

“Cuz somebody took a s**t behind it.”

Needless to say, he got the job and started the very same day…

Wife : Honey, Shall i cut my hair?

Husband : Ok cut them.

Wife: But I took so much efforts to grow them so long.

Husband: Then don’t cut them.

Wife: But nowadays short hair is very much in style.

Husband : Ok cut them.

Wife: My friends say short hair really suits my face cut.

Husband : Ok cut them.

Wife: But short hair cannot be tied in a knot.

Husband: Then don’t cut them.

Wife: But nevertheless, i want to experiment with my hair.

Husband : Ok cut them.

Wife: But what if the hair stylist ruins my hair ?

Husband: Then don’t cut them.

Wife: But I think i will cut them.

Husband : Ok cut them.

Wife: But if short hair doesn’t suit me, you will be responsible.

Husband: Then don’t cut them.

Wife: On second thoughts, its easy to manage short hair.

Husband : Ok cut them.

Wife: I hope it doesn’t look funny on me.

Husband: Then don’t cut them.

Wife: OK. I have finally decided that I will cut my hair.

Husband : Ok cut them.

Wife : So when do we leave?

Husband: Then don’t cut them.

Wife: Are you Ok? I am talking about going to my mother’s place.

Husband : Ok cut them.

Wife: You don’t seem alright! Are you unwell?

Husband: Then don’t cut them.

.

.

.

This poor fellow (The Husband) is now admitted into a mental asylum and all he keeps saying is “Ok cut them” and “Then don’t cut them”

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

“If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.”

“It's in the judge's hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior.

A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.

He might even hold you in contempt of court.

In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant..

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,

“Thanks for the tip about the cigars

It worked!”

“I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them.”

“But, I did send them.”

“What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously.

“Yes

That's how we won the case.”

“I don't understand,” said the lawyer.

“It's easy

I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.”

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.

The girl approached the boy and said, “Hey Billy, want to play house?”

He said, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”

Sally replied, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”

“Communicate my feelings?” said a bewildered Billy.

“I have no idea what that means.”

The little girl nods and says, “Perfect

You can be the husband”.

 

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

 

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

 

“What’s up?” he says.

 

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

 

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

 

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

 

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

 

“You rotten bastard,” says the husband, “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

He asked the preacher if he could participate in the door-to-door selling of bibles.

The preacher agreed, but knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more.

The preacher gave him another 5 bibles.

The following day the preacher gave him another 10.

By the end of the week, the young man broke the church's all time record for the highest number of bibles sales in one week.

The preacher believed that divine intervention had occurred

He was dumbfounded and had to know the young man's secret.

So the preacher asked the young man how he was able to sell so many bibles in such a short amount of time.

The young man smiled and said,

“I asked th-th-them if th-th-they wanted to b-b-buy a bible or have m-m-me read it to th-th-them.”

Jonny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call

saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had s*x with a teacher.

When Jonny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike.

When they bought the bike Jonny was offered to ride the bike but he declined it and

replied with my butt still hurts.