A Dog and a rooster, who were the best of friends, wished very much to see something of the world.

So they decided to leave the farmyard and to set out into the world along the road that led to the woods.

The two comrades traveled along in the very best of spirits and without meeting any adventure to speak of.

At nightfall the rooster, looking for a place to roost, as was his custom, spied nearby a hollow tree that he thought would do very nicely for a night’s lodging.

The Dog could creep inside and the rooster would fly up on one of the branches

So said, so done, and both slept very comfortably.

With the first glimmer of dawn the rooster awoke for the moment he forgot just where he was.

He thought he was still in the farmyard where it had been his duty to arouse the household at daybreak.

So standing on tip-toes he flapped his wings and crowed lustily but instead of awakening the farmer, he awakened a Fox not far off in the wood.

The Fox immediately had rosy visions of a very delicious breakfast.

Hurrying to the tree where the rooster was roosting, he said very politely:

“A hearty welcome to our woods, honored sir

I cannot tell you how glad I am to see you here.

I am quite sure we shall become the closest of friends.”

“I feel highly flattered, kind sir,” replied the rooster slyly.

“If you will please go around to the door of my house at the foot of the tree, my porter will let you in.”

The hungry but unsuspecting Fox, went around the tree as he was told, and in a twinkling the Dog had seized him.

Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.

“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.

The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life.

“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.”

“That’s really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”

“I’m 93,” said the first old man.

The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.

“I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.”

“And how old are you?” asked the reporter.

“I’m 91,” said the second old man.

Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.

“I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.”

“Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”

“29,” replied the third man.

Three brothers each marry a woman.

The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:

“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”

He didn’t see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.

The second brother married a woman from Dallas, and said to her:

“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”

On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either, but on the third day it was as he had asked.

The third brother married a woman from Detroit, and said to her:

“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”

On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.

On the fourth day he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich.

A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday and three of her students decided to bring her a gift.

The first students was little Timmy and his dad owned a Candy Store.

Timmy walked up to his teacher and handed her a nice little gift wrapped box

The teacher thanked the student and told him, she wanted to see if she could guess what was in the box.

The little boy excitedly agreed and after about twenty seconds the teacher said, “Is it candy!?”

The little boy surprisingly and a little disappointed walked back to his desk.

The second student was Taylor and her dad owned a kitchen appliance store

She walked up to her teacher with a fancily wrapped box about the size of a Football.

The teacher took the box and asked if she could try to guess what was in the box.

Taylor excitedly agreed and handed the package over to her teacher.

The teacher stood there thinking for about forty five seconds then said, “Is it a Toaster!?”

The little girl was surprised and asked the teacher how she knew

The teacher smiled wide, thanked the student, and Taylor returned to her desk.

The third student was Sarah and her dad owned a winery

She walked up to the teacher with a box that was a little bigger than the teacher was expecting.

The teacher smiled and asked if she could guess what was in the box

Sarah happily agreed, and handed over the box to her teacher.

At this point, the entire classroom wanted to know if the teacher was going to get it right

The teacher started thinking, – the box felt a little lopsided, but she figured the gift just hadn’t been packaged well.

After about a minute the teacher noticed little yellow drops coming from the side of the box.

The teacher excitedly said, “Is it wine!?” and proceeded to taste some of the dripping liquid.

The student smiled, and said, “No It’s a puppy!”

 

At lunch the first boy says, “My dad is the fastest because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits!”

“Not bad,” says the 2nd boy, “But my dad is faster.”

“He is a professional archer.

When he shoots an arrow at the bulls-eye he can reach it before the arrow does!”

“That’s pretty fast,” says the 3rd boy, “But not as fast as my old man.”

“My dad works for the Government as a public servant, & when he finishes work at 5pm, he can get home by 2:30pm!”

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer : Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer : Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer

The officer examines the license

He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

One day, a professor entered the classroom and asked his students to prepare for a surprise test. They were eagerly waiting at their desks for the exam to begin.
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As usual, the professor showed the question paper down. After he had distributed them all, he asked his students to turn over the pages and begin.
To everyone’s surprise, there was no question, just a black dot in the middle of the page. “I want you to write down what you see there,” said the professor, looking at everyone’s faces.
Confused students are given dizzying tasks. At the end of class, the professor took all the answer sheets and began reading each one out loud in front of all the students.
Answer paper
Without exception, they describe the black point and try to explain its position in the middle of the page.
After everything had been read, there was silence in the classroom. The professor began to explain: “I’m not going to give you this grade, I just wanted to give you something to think about.
No one wrote on paper. Everyone focused on the black dot
and the same thing happens in our lives. We have a white paper to observe and enjoy, but we always focus on the black spots.
Our life is a gift from God. We always have a reason to celebrate. The nature that renews itself every day, the friends around us, the work that sustains our lives, the wonders we see every day.”
“However, we insist on focusing only on dark spots and health issues
Pressure, lack of money, confrontation with family members, disappointment with friends, etc.
Dark spots are tiny compared to everything else in our lives, but they pollute our minds.
Take your eyes off the dark spots in your life. Enjoy every moment and every blessing that life gives you. Live happily and optimistically!”
Moral of the story:
As the professor explained, life is a bag of good and bad things. We all have positives and negatives along the way.
But we should always focus more on the positive aspects of a healthy and happy life. Life goes on no matter what, so don’t waste your time thinking about the negative.

I was playing a big game of hide and seek when I went camping with a big group.

We were devided in teams of two and we had to stay hidden in a big forrest for as long as possible.

I was put in a team with my little brother.

After searching for a good spot we eventually settled in a watchtower.

We agreed that one person stood watch and the other could rest.

My brother began on watch and I told him that we couldn't talk because else someone may hear us.

So I said that he had to move his head up and down to give me a gesture that it was save to go to the toilet.

He asked me “really, isn't that a bit overkill?” So I told him “yeah, I sh.t you nod!