Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn’t spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires – it’s a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the other side of the fence. As the lawyer is walking over to collect his prize, an old man approaches from across the fence. Before the lawyer can pick up the duck, the old man says:

“Hold on a minute partner! Everything past this fence is my property. Since the duck is on it, it stands to reason that this is my duck.”

The lawyer, annoyed, replies:

“Well I’m the one who shot it, so obviously it’s mine.”

The old man, experienced with these types of people, proposes a solution.

“Back in my day, we had a way to resolve disputes like this. What we would do is take turns throwing punches at the other guy’s face, and the first person to fall over would lose. It works every time.”

The lawyer, who was in his early thirties and in good enough shape, figured he might as well humour the old-timer. Based on his estimation, the guy couldn’t be a day younger than sixty, and it would only take one or two clean hits to get him on the ground, so he agreed to the challenge.

“Alright,” the old man said. “I’ll swing first, then you can go.”

The lawyer straightened his posture and prepared for the punch. Whabam! The old guy threw a stronger punch than he expected! Regardless, the lawyer stood sturdy, although his face stung like hell and he knew it would leave a mark for sure.

The lawyer, rolling up his sleeves, says: “ok buddy, that was a pretty good swing. You’ve got a strong arm – but it’s my turn now, you’d better get ready!”

Before the lawyer can take his swing, the old man says:

“Actually, it’s all good, you can keep the duck.”

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed,

the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $100 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said,

“I’ll take him and him and him!”

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested he shaves his beard off.

“Oh Paddy.” she said, “Please shave it off, I want to see all of your lovely face.”

“I can’t,” said Paddy, “My wife loves this beard, she’d kill me if I shaved it off!”

“Please!”…she pleaded in a sexy seductive voice.

Paddy gives in and shaves the beard off.

Later that night, Paddy crawls into the bed whilst his wife was sleeping.

His wife wakes up, and feels his face in the dark, she then says,

“Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here now, Paddy will be back home shortly!”

A man walks in his room after work and is surprised to find his wife lying undressed on the bed.

After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains.

He rips open the blinds to find a undressed man standing there.

‘Who the hell are you?’ he yells.

The undressed guy replies ‘I’m the moth inspector’

‘Oh yeah! what are you doing undressed?’

He looks down and exclaims ‘Oh my god! I’m too late!’

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, ‘Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!’

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

‘Whoa there’, said the doctor, ‘Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there’s another one coming.’

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

‘Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!’ said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

‘No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!’ cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor,

‘You reckon it might be the light that’s attraction’ ’em?’

 

Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game.

The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.”

Answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

 

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they`ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 AM and says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me

Have you got any talcum powder?”

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad.

“Where the heck have you been?”

“Well, honey, its like this

I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed.

So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.

I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”

She sees his hands are covered with powder and.

“You damn liar! You went bowling again!”

An older white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday with his beautiful young girlfriend at his side.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000”, the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement

The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.

“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon” he said.

Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man

“There’s no money in that account!”

“I know”, said the old man

“But can you imagine the weekend I just had?”