Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight).

They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. 

They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had
that extra latte !! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.


Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would
be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and
refrained from peeking. 
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against
the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.


Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was
'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.


Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.


As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment..... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'


Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.


If you laughed at this pass it on. Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart, then you are just a sour old fart or tart.

  

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

“I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”

The bartender says,

“Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,

“I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says,

“Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming up,” says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,

“I would like to buy you one, too.”

The old woman says,

“Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says,

“Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor.

…Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.

 

Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.”

She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”

The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”

The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.” 

   

 

A gynaecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax.

After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn’t matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”

“I accept, thanks!” She answers.

He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking.

Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.

The doctor looks worried, gets up and says:

“My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”

  

Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off.

“Hello, darling,” he said,

“what are you making for dinner?”

“What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner?? Poison, that’s what I’m making, poison.”

Bernie replies,

“Okay then, just make one portion, I’m not coming home.”

Hello?Why Parents DrinkThe boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ''Is your daddy home?' 'Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden,''May I talk with him?'The child whispered, 'No.' ;So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?''Yes she's out in the garden too''The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'Again the 'No'.'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,' Is anybody else there? ''Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman. 'Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?''No, He's busy,' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?''Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. 'Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?''It's a helicopter' answered the whispering voice.'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.'The search team just landed a helicopter''A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle ... 'ME'

Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.

“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s balls are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a bl**job!”

“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”

They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you bl*w Chris, are his balls cold, also?”

“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!”

“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up.

“A good bl**job is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!”

She says she’ll think about it.

The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the bl**job novice is sporting a wicked shiner.

“Whoa!” the first blonde asks, “How did you get that black eye?!”

“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she said.

“What on earth for?!” the second blonde asks.

“I don’t know,” she replies.

“All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard’s are so cold!”