“Won’t you kiss me, doctor,”

asks a beautiful woman.

“No, it would be against my code of ethics,”

says the doctor.

“Please just one kiss,”

begs the woman.

“It’s completely out of the question,”

he goes on.

“I shouldn’t even really be having s*x with you.” 

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband – who was a big burly man – tossed his trousers to his bride and said,

“Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

“I cant wear your trousers,” she said.

“That’s right,” said the husband,

“and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said,

“Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

“Hell,” he said. “I cant get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy’s do.

Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people’s lives”

“That’s wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. OK Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”

A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months.

The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has.

The man says, “I’ve got a Rolls Royce keep it until the loan is paid off here are the keys.”

Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.

The loan officer asks him, ‘Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two hundred dollars?’

The man answers, ‘I had to go to Europe for six months, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?’

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds:

“He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”

After a round of golf,

Four older ladies sat around the clubhouse chatting.

After noticing them, a regular golf pro approached them and asked:

“How did your game go?”

The first lady said she had a good round and made the comment that she actually had 25 riders.

The pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a “rider” was.

The second quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.

The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.

While the fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.

The pro was completely confused not knowing what the term “rider” meant.

But, because he didn’t want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.

He then approached the bartender and asked:

“Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to ‘riders’?”

The bartender simply smiled and said:

“A ‘rider” is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.”

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.

A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.

“What are you doing?” They ask her.

“I’m hanging myself.” She said.

The men were confused.

Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.

“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”