A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions,  “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.” replied the Irishman.

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality,

“Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough,…” replied the son of Erin

“But it was the Irish who got women involved” 

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

“Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman, “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?”

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.”

A noted  psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function  where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.

Ms Pelosi  took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and  asked him a question with which he was most at  ease.

‘Would you mind telling me, Doctor,’ she asked,  ‘how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears  completely normal?’

‘Nothing is easier,’ he replied.  ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with  no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the  track..’

‘What sort of question?’ asked  Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made  three trips around the world and died during one of them.  Which one?”

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said  with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about  history.’

During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans

When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.

 

A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he acciedently bumbs into a woman besides him, and as he does his elbow goes into her huge melons.

They are both quite starled.

The man turns to her and says, “ma’am if your heart is as soft as your fronts, I know you’ll forgive me”.

She replies, “if your tool is as hard as your elbow, i’m in room 436.

 

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

He asked her where she was going and she replied “I’m going to Las Vegas.”

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him “I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free”.

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife.

She said “And just where do you think you’re going?”

“I’m going too!” he replied.

“Why?” She asked.

“I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year”!

Three men are trying to cross a river.

The first one prays and says, “Please give me the strength to cross this river.”

Poof! He grows huge arms and legs and swims across the river.

The second man prays and says, “Please give me the strength and ability to cross this river.”

Poof! A rowboat appears in front of him and he rows his way across the river.

The third man, seeing what the others have done, prays and says, “Please give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river.”

Poof! He turns into a woman.

At that point, she looks at a map, walks down the bank and uses the bridge to cross the river.

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner.

This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn’t loud,but everyone at the table heard thepouf.

Before she even had a chanceto be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”.

The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”

Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!”.

A few minutes laterthe woman had to let another one rip.

This time she didn’t even think about it.

She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,”Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!”