When the husband came home, he was worried because his mistress had pulled out his nails on his chest.
Seeing the cat sleeping on the couch, he opened the door and slammed it hard.
The cat meowed loudly and ran out the door.
When his wife came into the living room and asked what happened, he replied angrily.
“This cat is crazy, I came in and it just jumped on me and scratched my chest.”
“Look at that bad line!”
The woman replied:
You did very well, today this fool bit my ear and put hell on my neck.

 

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized sexual organs. “How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.

“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”

“No sir, our mother.”

“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”

“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could.”

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV, it’s a microwave!”

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.

 

“There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. “You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.”

 

Joe said, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.

 

The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.

 

The weather forecast was, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.  You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.”

 

Again Joe replied, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.

 

Two days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and the power went out and Joe didn’t get the rest of the instructions.

 

He turned to Joan, “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?”

 

Joan replied, “Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today.”

 

Just like a scene from the movies, a rich guy is throwing a party and it doesn’t take long for things to get out of hand. He challenges his guests to an insane bet that no one in their right mind would accept. No one except for the only redneck guest at the party. What happens next will surprise you!

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A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party …… and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a loft man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its a$$! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, “Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”

“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Leroy.

The rich man said, “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?”

“No thanks. I don’t want it,” answered Leroy. The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?” Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, “Well, Leroy, then what do you want?”

Leroy said, “I want the name of the idiot who pushed me in the pool”!

 

A family was having some neighbors over for a dinner party.

Everything was going swimmingly.

Annabelle and her family were charming and fun, the guests were entertained, the appetizers were delicious.

Even the house was spotless.

Finally, the time came for everyone to gather at the dinner table for the promised meal.

At the table, Annabelle turned to Lizzie, her six-year-old daughter, and in an attempt to impress the guests, said,

“Dear, would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” replied the little girl, shyly.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie,” Annabelle said.

Lizzie took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said,

“Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner!?

Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks “What’s that mum?”

His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following,

“That’s where your dad accidentally hit me with an axe!” and little Harry replies,

“Good shot, right in the cunt!”

Anant went to his friend’s house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night.

His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said,

“You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby.”

Anant said that he would prefer the floor.

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde.

“Hi,” he said, “Who are you?” “I’m Baby, and who are you?” “I’m stupid,” he said