An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.

“If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?”

“I’d have to say the living one.”

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

She recognized him as an old flame.

“Honey,” she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”

Her husband said, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”

 

The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling, sex with prostitutes and even murder!”. 

The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.

“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you pick your own punishment..”

The devil leads him through the fields of tortured souls into his manor and down a long darkened hallway. Before them was three large oak doors.

“Now!” Said the devil “You get to look at each torture behind the doors and decide which one you want to do, but be warned... whatever you pick you will have to endure for the next 100 years!”

The lawyer nods solemnly and walks towards the 1st door, pushing it open he sees a man being whipped by a horrendous demon over and over again.

Shuddering he slams the door shut and walks to the second, Behind that one is a man being hung over and over again, with each snap of the neck or strangulation he is restored and forced to endure the act again and again.

The lawyer retches and walks to the third door. Swinging it open he sees a gorgeous blonde, big breasted, slim and stunning kissing a disheveled and dirty man deeply, it is passionate and intense, hands are everywhere and just watching causes the lawyer to grin lewdly.

Rubbing his hands together he turns to the devil and says “I want door number three!”

The devil looks shocked but agrees “Okay!”

Walking to the door the devil swings it open and leans in shouting: “Alright blondie! Times up!”.

   

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked:

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you MAD!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife"

The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied:

"That's okay, It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

Two blondes were working on a house.

The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

“I’m shocked!” she complained.

“This is three times what you normally charge.”

“Yes, I know,” said the dentist.

“But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients.”

 

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,

“If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks,

“Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

“Here, iron this!”.

 

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful,” says the first man.

“How does it feel to freeze to death?”

“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man.

“You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes.

But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go.

You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.

How about you, how did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man.

“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.

I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either.

I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.

I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head.

“That’s so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man.

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”