Comfort Inn. Please don’t be upset, I shall be back before midnight.”

When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:

“My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference — 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!

See you in a week’s time!”

   

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.

“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”

“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.

First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.

Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”

 

 Three newlywed men were discussing their wives.

The first guy married an Iowa gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all the cooking.

The first day I didn’t see anything, but on the second day, she fell into line.

The second guy married a Minnesota gal; he says I told my wife she had to do all the cooking and cleaning.

The first day he didn’t see any change, but the second day, she fell into line.

The third guy married a South Dakota gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all of that, plus the laundry.

The first day he didn’t see anything, nor the second day, but on third day, the swelling went down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

 

A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,

“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”

She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.” So the man walks up to the front of the church and says into the microphone, “Plethora.”and sits back down.

Once he gets back to his seat, the wife is in tears and she says, “Thank you so much, that means a lot.”

A blonde goes out for a walk.

She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

“Yoohoo” she shouts, “how can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”

A beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place.

“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.

Afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks at a bar

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is

He can’t believe his luck

“You know,” he said, “You are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies,

“You just happened to catch my eye.”

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary. “Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a,

“No thanks.” Frustrated he finally asks,

“Well what would you like for your anniversary?”

“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.

John thinks for a moment and replies

“Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

 

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.”

The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died.

“Oh, my gosh”, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.”

He practically went into shock.

He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.”