A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner.

This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!”

The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn’t hesitate.

She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger!”

Once again the woman smiled and thought, “Yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.

This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!”

 

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

 

“My goodness, Mary!” he says. “How have you been?”

 “Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband Robert and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

 “I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.”

Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways.

Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Mary’s husband, Robert.

“I’m so glad I found you!” he exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for Mary, years ago? Well, Mary and I now have two sets of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found-out she’s pregnant with quadruplets!”

Robert then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome.

“Oh my, Robert!” says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thankyou gift.”

“Oh no, it’s not a thankyou,” says Robert,…

“It’s so you can blow out that damn candle.”

 

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: “I want that tv.”

The salesperson shook his head and said, “No, we don’t sell to blondes.”

So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: “I’ll take that tv.”

Again the salesman said: “No, we don’t sell to blondes.”

So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: “I want that tv.”

But the salesman still said: “No, we don’t sell to blondes.”

Finally the blonde got fed up and said,

“That’s it! How’d you know I was a blonde?!” she asked.

The salesman answered: “Cause that’s a microwave.”

 

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,

“If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.”

The old man snaps back,

“Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.

“She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street Corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years.

Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

“How are you grandpa?” he asks.

“Feeling fine,” says the old man.

“What’s the food like?”

“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”

“Just couldn’t be better. The young nurses really take care of you.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”

“No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a tablet ..
and that’s it. I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this,

so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

“What are you people doing?” he says,

“I am told you are giving an 85-year-old pills on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”

“Oh, yes,” replied the nurse.

“Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate & one tablet.

It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep…

and the tablet stops him from rolling out of bed

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

The husband says “WHAT?” The wife says, “You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman.”

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.

She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each.

Then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care.

She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, “But you don’t even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then let’s get it.

“The wife is jumping up and down. she’s so excited, she cannot believe what is going on. She says “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

The husband says, “No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.”

The wife’s face goes blank,”No honey –I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says”

“You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.”

Three couples die at the same time and que up in the line for the pearly gates. The first couple approaches St. Peter, where he asks for the man’s name. “John Smith,” the man replies.

“John Smith,” St. Peter repeats, flipping through his book. “John Smith, who was so in love with money that he wouldn’t marry until he found a woman named Penny? You are banished to Hell, sir!”

The first couple leaves, dejected. When the second couple approaches, St. Peter again asks for the man’s name. “Michael Jones,” the second man replies.

“Michaell Jones?” St. Peter asks, looking through his book. “The same Michael Jones who was so in love with sweets that he wouldn’t marry until he found a woman named Candy? You are banished to Hell, sir!”

Upon seeing this, the third man turns to his wife and says, “Come on, Fanny, we may as well start heading down now….”