One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus,

when the boy noticed a redhead with huge fronts.

“Hey Pop,” the son cried, “look at those melons!”

The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to an all male military academy, in the hope that he would get some manners.

Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.

Again, a woman with very large fronts sat across from them.

To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, “Look at the melons on that redhead!”

“melons my eye,” the boy replied with a smile, “get a load of the bum on that bus driver!!”

  

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria,

The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady.

One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked,

“Did your folks ever get married?”

“Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on.

“How about you?”

“They never bothered,” answered the first young man.

“That’s nothing,” interrupted the third,

 “My mother doesn’t even know who my father is.”

The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly.

“Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?”

 

A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor.

“Please come quick I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out the hotel window.”

The hotel manager replies, “Sir I’m afraid that’s a domestic matter and the hotel and it’s staff are obligated to not interfere.”

The husband responds, “Like hell it’s a domestic matter! This damn window won’t open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem.”

 

A priest walked into a hotel in the month of march and asked the manager- “is room no. 39 empty?

Manager- yes it’s empty. You can take it

Priest: ok

Manager: And yes my room right in front of room 39 so if you face any difficulties just call me

Priest: ok and pls send a knife, a 3 inches black thread, and a 78g orange to my room

At night

The manager is unable to sleep because of the screams and sound plates breaking from the priest’s room and wonders what it might be

Next morning

The next morning the manager went in the priests room to find that he’s already left and everything in that room was as it was before with the knife on the table.

After 1 year (again during march)

That same priest comes to the same hotel and asks for room 39 again

Manager: yes the room’s empty and you can take it

Priest: ok, pls send a knife, a 3 inches black thread, and a 78g orange to my room

Manager: ok

That night the manager didn’t sleep and wanted to know exactly what happened that day a year prior

Suddenly sounds of screaming and plates breaking started again and the manager went near the room. But the door was locked and even the master key didn’t worked on that room. His head was pounding because of the sounds and at last while waiting for the door to open he slept outside the room.

Next morning

When the manager woke up, he saw that the door was open but the priest was not there. He rushed towards the main gate but the gatekeeper told that the priest left just a few minutes ago. He asked the waiter and the waiter told that before leaving he gave all the waiters of the hotel a very generous tip.

The manager was annoyed and he was determined to find out the truth the following year.

Next year during march

The same priest came again and asked for room 39 Manager: yes you can get the room

Priest: send a knife, a 3 inches black thread, and a 78g orange to my room

At night

This time the manager didn’t sleep at all and listened to the sounds coming from the room the whole night. In the morning the priest opened the room and the manager went inside and said

Manager: What are you doing with these things at night? From where does the sound comes? Tell me quickly

Priest: I will tell you the truth but you must not tell anyone.

The manager agreed

Because the manager was a loyal man he never told amyone what was going on inside the room and it remains a secret to this day.

  

🤣🤭🤣 The blonde had been married about a year. 

One day she came running up to her husband, jumping for joy. He didn't know how to react, so he started jumping up and down along with her.

"Why are we so happy?" he asked.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

"Great" he said, "tell me why you're so happy about."

She stopped, breathless from all the jumping up and down "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for quite a while. He grabbed her, and kissed her.

"Wow, that is wonderful," "I couldn't be happier!"

Then she said, "Oh, honey there's more."

"What do you mean more?", he asked.

"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!".

He was amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant "How do you know that," he asked.

"It was easy," she said."I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit."

"Both tests came out positive!”🤣🤣🤣

 

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit. Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. 

Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

Including The Curtain Rods…

  

Once a drunk husband arrived late at his home, He rang the bell..

Wife : where have you been till this late, I am not going to open the door.
Sleep outside on the road tonight.

There was a well beside their house.

Husband : I’ll Jump into well If you don’t open the door.

Wife : Do whatever you have to do, I won’t open the door tonight.

Husband picks a big stone and threw it into the well,
wife opens the door and ran towards the well.
Husband enters the house and locked it from inside.

Wife : Open the door, otherwise I’ll shout and people will gather here.

Husband : Let them gather,
I’ll ask you in front of them that from where are you coming this late and that too in night wear.

 

George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment.

His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks, “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married I think it’s time you quit golfing.

Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart.”

George gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, “Darling, what’s wrong”?

George says, “There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

“Ex wife” she screams! “I didn’t know you were married before!!!”

George retorts, “I wasn’t.”