Garth and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Melbourne, when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Garth and says, “Hello Garth.”

Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?”

Garth replies, “Oh her, that’s my mistress.”

“You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie.

“About ten years, on and off.” answers Garth.

“Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You swine! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.”

“Now hold on Sadie,” responds Garth, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now.

You won’t have our big house in Homestead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …”

But before Garth can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see you again.”

Sadie asks, “And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?”

Garth replies, “No, that’s Harry’s mistress.”

“You mean that Harry also has a mistress?” says Sadie, surprised.

Garth answers, “Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years.”

Sadie then says, proudly, “I like ours a lot better.”

  

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night.

In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, He asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Is Fred and Mary up yet?? She replies, No. Johnny says, Do you know what I think??

His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.

After school, he comes home and asks, Is Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, No. Johnny asks ...

Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, OK! What do you think??

He says, Well, last night Fred came in my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue....

 

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company.

On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself.

The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card,

So later he could remember how his staff “miss” him.

Most people are writing standard phrases like,

“Without you, the company will never be the same,”

“We will always remember you,” etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied.

“I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know Okay, John ... 

you have been working with me for the last 20 years you are my best staff.”

I am retiring now what do you have to say?

Slowly but firmly, John wrote, “THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS.”

 

After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably.

I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.

After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife.

“I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper.

Don’t call the one in the second column. It’s me.”

 

A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:

Husband: “I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.”

Inspector: “What is her height?”

Husband: “I never checked.”

Inspector: “Slim or healthy?”

Husband: “Not slim, she can be healthy.”

Inspector: “Colour of eyes.”

Husband: “Never noticed.”

Inspector: Colour of hair?”

Husband: “It changes according to season.”

Inspector: “What was she wearing?”

Husband: “Not sure. It may have been a dress or maybe a suit.”

Inspector: “Was she driving?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Inspector: “Tell me the type and colour of the car?”

Husband: “A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0-litre V6 engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed ...

Husband: “A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0-litre V6 engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed  Tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.

It has full LED headlights, which use light-emitting diodes for all light functions.

It has a very thin scratch on the front left door and then the husband started crying.”

Inspector: “Don’t worry sir, we will find your car!”

 

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage.

The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child.

If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back.

He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

“Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.”

“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”

One day a blonde went up to a soda machine, put in some money, and a soda came out.

She got really excited and started to put more money into the machine.

The more and more she did it, the more the soda came out.

After a while someone walked up to her and asked if they could please get a soda.

The blonde looked at them angrily and said: “Get out of my face, I’m winning!”