The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house.

The husband then contacted all of his wife’s friends asking about it

none of them said that she was staying the night.

A few nights later, the husband doesn’t come home one night.

Just like his wife, the next morning he tells her that he had slept over at a friends place.

His wife then contacted all of the husband’s friends to ask about it

and apparently the husband was at 8 houses,

2 of which said he was still there

 

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You've got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don't care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I'll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How did you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed ...

“No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.

“How'd you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.

“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,' and after that he sat up all night watching me…”

 

My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while.

Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business.

I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited.

We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home.

The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear.

When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug.

“It’s okay, Mom,” she said. “The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again.”

 

They go on their honeymoon to beautiful, picturesque Venice, Italy. After a day of sightseeing, they return to their hotel. He turns to his young bride and says “Honey, I’m tired after all this excitement. I’m going to go to bed. See you in the morning.” She say ok, and off he goes to bed, while she stays in the living room of their honeymoon suite.

11pm that night, he comes into the living room and begins to make passionate love to his new wife. Once they finish up, he once again excuses himself and goes back to bed. The young woman is so exhausted, that she falls asleep right there on the couch.

1am that same night, he comes into the living room again, wakes her up again, and they once again make passionate, incredible, mind-blowing love. She’s amazed at his stamina and performance, especially for a man as old as he is! This time was better than the last, too! Once again, they finish up and he goes off to bed. She, same as before, passes out on the couch with a smile from ear to ear.

3am that same night, he once AGAIN comes into the living room and wakes her, ready to kick off round three. This time, she stops her stallion of a husband and asks him, “Dear, how do you do it?! How can you come in here two times already tonight and be ready for a third go?!”

He looks at her with a twinkle in his eye and says… “I was here twice already?!”

 

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice,

“Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.

I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.

The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.

“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”

Sam continued ...

 “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”

There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.” Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims,

“My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”

He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”

At that, the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”.

He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

  

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.

After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight”, he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it – only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.

 

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t).

When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday!”