A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

“Mummy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you’re not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replies. “It’s not very polite.”

“Oh, okay,” the little girl says. “What color was your hair two years ago?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and aren’t any of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“Honestly! That’s enough questions!” the mother says.

Exasperated, the mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mum won’t tell me anything about herself,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well, all you need to do is look at her driver’s licence,” the friend says. “It’s like our report cards, it has everything on it.”

Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you used to have brown hair.”

The mother is shocked now. “How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I also know why you and Daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really!” the mother says. “Why?”

The little girl replies,

“It’s all on your driver’s licence and you got an ‘F’ in sex.”

 

Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.

She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

“Who is the creator of the universe?”

Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.

Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”

The teacher congratulated her.

A little later the teacher asked her another question,

“Tell me who is our lord and savior?”

Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”

The teacher congratulated her again.

Later on the teacher asked “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”

Joe poked Josey again and she shouted,

“If you stick that thing in me again,

I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!”

 

 

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

 

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a

junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his

retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year

began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of

youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating

merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing

percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old

man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young

percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to

see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do

the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll

give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every

day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do

a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this

time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really

putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on,

I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his

offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later,

the wily retiree approached them again  as they drummed their way

down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check

yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents.

Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think

we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a

quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man

enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days

 

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonder and says:

“How is the singing career going?”

Stevie Wonder replies:

“Not too bad! How’s the golf?”

Woods replies:

“Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”

Stevie Wonder says:

“I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the

next time I play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says:

“You play golf?”

Stevie Wonder says:

“Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Woods says:

“But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?”

Wonder replies:

“I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

“But, how do you putt?”, asks Woods. “Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”

Woods asks:

“What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says,

“Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Wonder replies:

“Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks about it and says,

“OK, I’m game for that, when would

you like to play?”

Stevie says,

“Pick a night.”

 

A husband and wife are getting cozy in bed.

The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”

The husband asks why.

She explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store.

They walk around and she tries on three very expensive outfits.

He then tells his wife “We’ll take all three of them”.

They then get matching shoes, a set of diamond earrings and a diamond bracelet.

The wife is so excited she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care and goes to the pay desk.

Her husband says, ” No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.”.

His wife’s face goes blank.

“No honey – I just want you to hold this stuff for a while. ”

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband says “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!

   

 

Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.’

Ray was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’ Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

‘Not bad,’ replied Ray the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’

‘Never,’ said Ray.

‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard..

“Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!”

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says,

“How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! “

“What a coincidence,” he said,

“This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!” says the woman.

“What a coincidence,” says the man.

As they clinked glasses he asked,

“What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“What a coincidence,” says the man.

“I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” says the woman,

“How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I switched cocks,” he replied.

She smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”