Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.

“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.

And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.

“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”

“Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.

But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”

The wise king did not hesitate a moment.

“The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.

“But she was willing to cut him in two!” exclaimed the king’s advisor.

“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon.

“That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.”

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

rustic wooden table, young and in love, embarking on a journey together,” he reminisced, his eyes glinting with nostalgia.

As the sun streamed through the kitchen window, illuminating the room with a golden hue, Helen traced the rim of her teacup, a small smile playing on her lips. “It feels like yesterday, doesn’t it?” she mused, her voice tinged with warmth.

They both gazed at each other, sharing a lifetime of memories etched within their eyes.

“Fifty years of laughter, tears, joys, and challenges,” Helen continued, her voice tinged with emotion. “We’ve weathered storms and celebrated triumphs, always together.”

Her husband, George, reached across the table, taking her hand tenderly. “Our journey has been woven with threads of love and understanding. Remember the struggles we faced, yet the strength we found in each other?”

The room seemed to embrace their history, the love that had grown deeper with time palpable in the air.

“Yes, dear,” George nodded. “We’ve seen the world change, witnessed moments that shaped history, and nurtured a family that has brought us immense pride.”

Their conversation meandered through cherished memories, from the birth of their children to the countless family gatherings around this very table. The echoes of laughter and the bittersweet symphony of life lingered in the air.

“We’ve learned that love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a choice, a commitment,” Helen remarked, her eyes glimmering with wisdom earned through decades of shared experiences. “It’s about understanding, compromise, and unwavering support.”

George nodded in agreement, his heart swelling with gratitude for the remarkable woman seated across from him. “And through it all, you’ve been my rock, my confidante, my best friend,” he whispered, his voice filled with tenderness.

Their love story, a tapestry woven with dedication and unwavering devotion, had become an inspiration to those around them.

As they finished their breakfast, Helen gazed at George, her heart full of gratitude. “Here’s to fifty more years,” she said, a playful twinkle in her eye.

George chuckled softly, his love for her radiating. “Indeed, my love. Here’s to many more chapters in our beautiful journey together.”

Their laughter filled the room, a testament to the enduring power of love, commitment, and the timeless beauty of a relationship that had stood the test of fifty remarkable years.

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

When an old Grandpa walked by.

And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age…”

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…”We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

 

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well, Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?”

Larry replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo”? She frowned.

“What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disgust.

“Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well,

One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.. and,

Lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.” 

 

The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked. The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000.”

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. 

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The man replied, “St. Louis.”

“Really,” she said. “I have family in St. Louis.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your sister died, and I am her lawyer. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer…

 

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel.

He looked at her and asked,

“Do you think we can still do that?”

“Well, we can sure try!” she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom.

He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.

When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.

“Well,” she replied,

“I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”

  

The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.

The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins. He got to a phone and called her right away.

“Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said “Who took you to the hospital?”

“Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anaesthetised he named the twins.”

The husband was horrified “But, but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?”

The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy Joe named the girl Deniece.”

The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad What did he name the boy?”

“Joe named the boy nephew.”