After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

 

“Doctor,” the man said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”

 

“Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”

 

“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “Our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”

 

“Well,” said the doctor, “Let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”

 

The man seemed a bit ashamed.  “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”

 

“Well, there you have it!” The doctor said confidently,…

 

… “It’s rust.”

 

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his “Old chap standing to attention”.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant’s trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his “old chap” sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, ‘That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

 

With tears in his eyes he replied, ‘I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse’.

  

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest.

Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one! ” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist-deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

  

 

A busty blonde woman walks into a New York bank and goes straight up to the counter.

“Hello,” the man behind the counter says to the woman. “How can I help you today?”

The blonde has to think for a moment and finally says, “I need a loan of two-hundred and fifty dollars.”

 

The bank teller responds, “That’s not a problem, miss. We’ll need you to put something up as collateral.”

The blonde takes another moment to think and says, “I have a car. I’ll put that up!”

 

The bank teller pulls out a form and asks the blonde, “That would work. What kind of car is it?”

The blonde hands the teller her keys and answers, “it’s a bright orange lamborghini. It’s parked right outside.”

 

The blonde leaves as the teller finishes the form, dumbfounded by the transaction.

A week later, the blonde returns. She has the loan and all of the interest that gathered over the last week. She walks up to the same teller and hands him the money. He then returns her keys.

 

As the blonde is leaving, the teller can’t fight the urge to ask any longer. “Excuse, miss. I just have one question. Why did you put this four-hundred thousand car up as collateral for such a small amount of money?”

The blonde turns and replies, “Where else in New York City and I supposed to find parking for a week for as little as two-hundred and fifty dollars?”

  

 

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

 

His buddies are amazed. “There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you 

pull it off?”

“It’s simple,” John says, “I lied to her about my age.”

“Did you tell her you were 50?” his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

“There is no way she could believe you were 40”. John shakes his head again.

“So how old did you tell her you were exactly??”

John smiles and says “85”.

 

A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice.

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.”

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!”

As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals,

“Yes! Yes! I won! I won!”

She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asks ... 

“What did she roll?”

The other answers, “I don’t know,

I thought you were watching.”

 

 

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.

She met a nice man who said he would give her work.

All she had to do was paint his porch white.

He gave her a bucket of paint and left.

He walked into his house, laughing.

He told his brunette wife what he had done.

“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.

Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.

The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.

“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.

“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”

An old couple were talking.

The wife asked her husband, “How many women have you slept with?”

“Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly.

“With all the others I was awake.”