A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over.

He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”

“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award.

Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”

He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s just over smart when he’s drunk and stoned.”

The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

 

A wife sent a message to her husband

Wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.”

Husband:Who is Priscilla?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.

Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?

Wife:Where are you?? Husband: Near the vegetable market

After 10 minutes she texts her husband, “Where are you?”

Husband: I’m at the office. Now that you are at the market, buy whatever vegetables you need.

Her Daughter Is Pregnant But She bid Not Sleep With Anyone.

How ? The doctor says, `’Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

The mother says, my daughter Suzie.

She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant.

About U months would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie?”

Suzie says, No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.

A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really.

It’s just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill.

I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!

 

Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?”
Me: “I don’t know? A lot?”
Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”

 

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.

All his professionalism goes right out the window.

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?

“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and br**, she takes them off.

The doctor begins rubbing her chests and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her knickers, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts on his all way with her.

He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

She replies, “Yes, getting herpies – thats why I am here!”

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.

The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart and I have a good job. I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I have a good job. I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The stewardesses don’t know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear.

She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move.

The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

The umpteenth time Mrs Jones told her pastor,

“I’m so scared! My husband says he’s going to kill me if I continue to come to your church.”

“Yes, yes, my child,” replied the pastor, tired of hearing this before.

“I will continue to pray for you, Mrs Jones have faith – the Lord will watch over you.”

“Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only.”

“Only what, my child?”

“Now he says if I keep coming to your church, he’s going to kill YOU!”

“Well,” said the pastor.

“Perhaps it’s time to check out that little church on the other side of town.”

A undressed woman is bouncing on her bed singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her a while then says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you’re doing?”

She says, “I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the melons of an eighteen year old.”

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old bum?”

“Your name never came up,” she replied.