An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem

of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary.

He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates

and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, “Your loving husband.”

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day,

when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly,

“Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?”

there. Once there the PI hands him a pair of binoculars and points across the street at the neighboring high rise.
There is one of the windows is his wife getting it on with a coworker.

Fuming with rage he says to the PI “how much would it cost me for you to shoot his dick off and blow her brains out?” “I generally charge $100000 A bullet” ” done “

So the PI grabs a black case opens it up and assembles a rifle and then aims down the sights at the window.
After a couple of seconds, he says” you know I reckon I can save you $100 000″

 

“We’re working” the first blonde replies.
“Just the two of you?” He inquires.
“Well” the second blonde chimes in, “there’s usually three of us, but the girl that plants the trees called out sick”

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful undressed woman on a bed.

The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.

The mathematician said “this is pointless” and stormed off.

The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.

The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “don’t you see, you’ll never actually reach her?”.

To which the engineer replied, “so what?

Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”

A girl was a pro-stute, but she did not want her grandma to know.

One day the police raided a whole group of night girls at a party in a hotel and she was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the girls line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl’s grandma came by and saw her.

“Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked.

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.

“Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.

A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the girls.

When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age?

How do you do it?” Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear.

I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!”

The old lady, with a mischievous twinkle in her eye, interrupted the dentist with a hearty laugh. “I know, dearie, I just wanted you to see how far I can spread my legs at 85!” she joked, lifting her legs a bit higher for emphasis.

The dentist couldn’t help but chuckle, caught off guard by the unexpected humor. He admired the old lady’s spirit and chuckled along with her. “Well, that’s quite impressive, ma’am, but I’m here to check on your teeth, not your leg flexibility,” he replied, trying to maintain a professional demeanor.

The old lady adjusted herself in the chair, letting out a sigh, and straightened her clothing with a hint of embarrassment. “Oh, forgive me, dearie, I couldn’t resist having a bit of fun,” she said, grinning sheepishly.

The dentist, amused by the encounter, proceeded with the dental examination. As he worked, he couldn’t help but engage in friendly banter with the old lady, finding her zest for life both refreshing and endearing.

 

A man found a genie in a magic lamp and was granted three wishes.

The genie said, “For every wish you make, your wife gets two.”

The man asked for a car and the genie gave his wife two.

Then the man asked for a house and again his wife got double.

The jealous husband said, “For my last wish, beat me half to death.”

A 15-year-old Little Johnny comes home with a Porsche his parents began to yell and scream.

“Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents.

“We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the Little Johnny, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder.

“Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother,

“She must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers.

He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.

“Well,” she said, this morning I got a phone call from my husband.

I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back.

He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.