A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriends house and the girlfriend said to her mom, “Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room” and the mom says,

“Ok honey, you kids have fun.”

When they are up their the mom hears: “Baby baby baby oh!”

The mom walks to the door and ask,

“What the hell is going on?”

The girl says, “Mom were just having fun.”

and the mom says,

“Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.

After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.

She goes ballistic, “You impotent bas*ard!

How could you lie to me all these years?”

Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says,

“I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically.

The pharmacist thinks this is weird but there are no laws preventing weird people from buying condoms.

Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing.

The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.

This piques the interest of the pharmacist.

What could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, “If that guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.”

Sure enough, the next day the same man is back.

He buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.

The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. “Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies, “Your house.” 

Eliza says to the other two, “You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary.

A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings.”

“How wonderful!” Josephine says.

Isabelle responds, “That’s nice, real nice.”

Josephine then says to the other two, “Well my husband spared no expense for our anniversary he took us on a beautiful trip to the Bahamas.”

“Amazing!” Responds Eliza.

“That’s nice, real nice.” Isabelle says.

Eliza and Josephine look to Isabelle.

“What did your husband get you for your anniversary?” asks Eliza.

“He bought me lessons in southern etiquette classes.” Isabelle says.

“Etiquette classes?” Eliza says.

“What did you learn there?” asks Josephine.

“Well,” says Isabelle, “I used to say, ‘I DON’T GIVE A RATS BUM.’ but now I say,

‘That’s nice, real nice.’”

 Four men went golfing one day

Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons

The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he built a friend a new home for free

Just gave it to him!”

The second man said, “My son is a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership

He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully “loaded.”

The third man said “My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio”

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.

The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons

How is yours doing?”

The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay and is a go-go dancer in a gay bar.” The other three men grew silent as he continued, “I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well

His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.”

Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.

The first man said, “I died in a car accident.”

The second man said, “I died by drowning. ”

The third man said, “I died of seenus.”

The first two men asked, “Do you mean sinus?”

The third man said, “No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend’s wife and he seen us!”

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him.

“What in the world is wrong with you?! You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied,

“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

A guy goes into a drug store to buy rubber pack.

“What size?” asks the clerk.

“Gee, I don’t know.”

“Go see Sophie in aisle 4.”

He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, “Medium!”

The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy rubber pack, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.

Sophie grabs him and yells, “Large!”

The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy rubber pack.

“What size?”

The kid embarrassedly says, “I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what size.”

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.

She grabs him and yells,

“Clean up in aisle 4!”