A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.   He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into Heaven.'

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter

He flicked it on

‘It represents a candle', he said.

‘You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from New Zealand reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys

He jingled them and said, ‘They're bells.'

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Australian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St

Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolise?'

The Aussie replied, ‘These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins……

 

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,

“I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said,

“I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

A farmer buys a young rooster.

As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch.

At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens.

The farmer gets a bit worried now.

The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him.

Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head.

The farmer says, “You horny bastard, you deserve this.”

The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers,

“Shh! Don’t shout, let them land!”

Sarah and Abe are out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary.

During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of (their) life insurance, an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.

“Abe,” she says, with tears in her eyes, “I don’t think you love me.”

“Why do you think that?” he asks.

“Because if you really loved me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for.”

“Sarah,” he says angrily, “I need life insurance like I need a hole in the head.”

“I know your views,” says Sarah, “but I’ve spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance — and they’re not as rich as you. If it’s good enough for them, why isn’t it good enough for you?”

“I’ll tell you why,” replies Abe. “It’s because they’ve been paying high premiums month after month, and what have they got so far in return? Nothing!”

“So what if their husbands have been paying for nothing?” says Sarah.

You’ve always told me I’m luckier than my friends — who knows, maybe this time I’ll strike it rich.”

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says,

“Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde.

I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt.

The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player.

The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler.

Each one of us is same.

Think about it, Mister.

Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar

 Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.

The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her

 After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:

“I'll do anything you'd like

 Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game

 I want 100 dollars, and there's another condition”.

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

She replies, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman

 He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand.

He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly:

“Paint my house.”

 

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, “Don’t take a step further.”

She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.

She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again.

“Don’t take a step further.”

She stops and a car skids past.

Then suddenly she hears the voice saying “I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?”

Yes! Shouts the woman, “Just where were you on my wedding day!”