A teenage boy goes to church to confess his sins.

 

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

 

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”

 

‘Yes, Father, it is.”

 

“And who was the girl you were with?”

 

“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

 

“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.  Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”

 

“I cannot say.”

 

“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”

 

“I’ll never tell.”

 

“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”

 

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

 

“Was it Fiona Mallory?”

 

“My lips are sealed.”

 

“Was it Brenda O’Malley, then?”

 

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

 

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that.  But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone.  You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed.  Now you go and behave yourself.”

 

“Yes, Father.”

 

Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

 

Tommy grins,

 

“Four months vacation and five good leads!”

 

Sometimes you’ve been itching to do something for so long, you just can’t contain yourself.

And when you finally get that sweet release, it’s the best thing in the world.

A naked statue of a man and a naked statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park.

 

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for an hour.

 

Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there.

 

After a while they came back out, giggling.

 

The wizard told them, “You have another 30 minutes left, if you want to have another go.”

 

The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered,

 

“Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I’ll shit on it.”

 

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner.

 

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.  They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

 

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.  The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

 

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

 

It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.

 

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”.

 

The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

 

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.  This time, she didn’t even hesitate.  She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

 

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”

 

Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!”.  A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.  She let rip a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing!

 

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

 

“Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!”

😁😅🤣😂😃😆

 

Three old men reminiscing in a nursing home…

… complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old.

 

The first old man said, “I’d give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young.  Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it’s only a small dribble.”

 

The second old man said, “I’d give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young.  Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out.”

 

The third old man said, “Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss.  Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit.”

 

The other two old men look at him and say, “So what the hell are you complaining about?”

 

The third old man says, “I don’t wake up until 7”.

 

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer : Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer : Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2 : Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

  

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

 

Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking. Dorothy:

“That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date.

I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you.

He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?”

Edna: “No, no, no … I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

…any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behaviour. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said “We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!”

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?” At that point the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”

The younger brother replied, “We are in big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it.”