A man and his wife were having some arguments and problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next day the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 am for an early flight to Sydney.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence,

He finally wrote on a piece of paper and placed at the bed,

“Please wake me up at 5 am.”

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 am, and that he had missed his flight!

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him,..

When he noticed a piece of paper by the bed

It said,

“It's 5 am, wake up

Three High school girls go to the same bathroom every 4th period and each time they gossip and spill tea, and do their makeup, and each time before they leave they write a message on the mirror with their lipstick.

Sometimes they write the name of the boy they like, sometimes draw a hand giving the world the finger. every day at the end of the day, the sad old janitor comes in to the bathroom and scrubs the lipstick away.

eventually after many days, the principal calls the 3 girls down 5th period after a student snitched. the principal takes them to the bathroom and calls over the janitor.

There is already the frowning face drawn in lipstick from 4th period and the girls looked at it and sneered and laughed.

the principal says “apologize to the janitor for making him clean up your mess!” and the girls just rolled their eyes.

so the principal says to the girls, “now watch what you put the poor janitor through every day!”

and so the janitor shrugs, takes his sponge, goes to the toilet, submerges the sponge in the toilet, comes back to the mirror and scrubs the lipstick away.

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded:

“You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?”

“No,” replied the trainee.

“It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”

The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”

“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.

“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.

As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, “I must tell you my greatest secret.”

His family members are all ears, urging him to go on.

“When I was young, I had it all,” explains Ed

“Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money.  But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family.  Otherwise, no-one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you're on your deathbed.'

So I took his advice.  I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food.  I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds.

And now here we are.  And you know what?”

“What?” whispered the fascinated members of his family.

“I'm not even god damn thirsty!”

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.

However, this does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

Then one day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now saying that her melons are too small.

So the husband comes up with a suggestion, “If you want to grow larger, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your melons for a few seconds.”

Goes to fetch paper Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper.

And then once again, she stands in front of the mirror, this time rubbing paper continuously.

“How long will this take?” she asks.

“They'll grow slightly larger every day over the years,” he replies.

The wife stops, turns to him and says, “Wait, why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my melons every day will make larger over the years?”

The husband shrugs

“Why not, it worked for your bums, didn't it?”

 

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any shorts.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some inner wear
as it is not good to walk around here like this.

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy inner wear for her
When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her inner wear,
and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church...

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.

The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest then gives the lady $1 and says,
“Take this money and for God’s Sake, buy yourself a razor.

 

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook

But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says “I'm sorry I burned dinner.” So the husband says “That's all right honey let's just make love.”

The second night, he comes home from work and she says “I'm sorry honey, I messed up dinner.” He says “That's all right honey, let's just go to bed wink wink.”

The third night he comes home and she's sitting on the radiator

He asks what she's doing? and she answers “Warming up supper.”

My very proper 91-year-old Southern Mom says “You're welcome”

 

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy’s van (shag carpets, big double mattress in the back… ) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out “Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!”

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, “Did you get these marks having sex?”

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, “I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you’ve got the worst case of van aerial disease that I’ve ever seen!”