Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

“Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Johnny.

“Nope,” replied Jimmy.

“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”

Again Jimmy said, “Nope.”

“You didn’t steal it, did you?” asked Johnny.

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty”.

Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch.

He vowed to get one for himself.

That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, “What do you want now?”

“I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine.

Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet”.

A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,

“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”

She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.”

So the man walks up to the front of the church and says into the microphone, “Plethora.”and sits back down.

Once he gets back to his seat, the wife is in tears and she says, “Thank you so much, that means a lot.”

Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.

“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”

The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.

“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”

So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.

“And now?”

“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.

“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”

“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.

“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”

The robber threw down the money and ran.

 

An old man goes into Victoria’s Secret and tells the sales-person behind the counter he needs a present for his wife.

“See,” explains the man, “It is my fiftieth wedding anniversary and I would like to get something pretty to surprise the little lady, if you know what I mean.”

When he gets home, his wife asks with a scowl on her face, “Where have you been?”

“Surprise,” says the old man and hands her a nice tiny teddy.

The wife rips it from his hand and takes it to the bathroom to try it on.

She struggles to make it fit, but it is two sizes too small.

She take a long time in the bathroom and hopes her husband will lose interest and fall asleep because it is getting late into the evening.

Finally she emerges from the bathroom with all the lights out.

She is completely undressed and pretends to model it in front of him.

Her husband, still sitting up, squinting to try and see finally says, “For as much money I spent on it, they could of at least ironed out the wrinkles.”

Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia.

Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice:

“You watch them Aussie cab drivers.

They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.”

At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel.

When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.”

“Oh no you don’t! My dad warned me about you.

You’ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says one of the men.

“And you’ll only be getting fifteen from me too,” adds the other!

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open.

Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.

“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

 

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the funny channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

“For god’s sake! Leave it on the funny channel. You already know how to fish!”

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems like she's doing fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It's pretty nice,” she replies.

“Except they won't let you f.rt”