A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself.

As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “what’s the matter?”

The Blonde Guy replies, “well I’ve got these two horses sniff, sniff, and well… I can’t tell them apart.

I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.

“Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”

The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

“What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.

The Blonde Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses sob, sob, but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”

He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.

A few months later the guy is back in the bar.

The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.

Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.

“I.. I shaved the sob mane of one of the sniff horses, and… it… it… grew back!”

The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!”

The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims.

“I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”

 

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands,

“Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got.

I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight.

“The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort.

The man swills down the drink and says, “Gimme another one.

“The bartender pours the drink but says, “Now, before I give you this, why don’t you let off a little steam and tell me why you’re so upset?

“The man begins his tale. “Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me.

I thought, ‘Wow, this has never happened before.’ You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true.

Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I’m interested.

I couldn’t believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar.

So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true.

“He continues, “She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room.

As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress.

That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn’t take me much longer to get out of my clothes.

But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.”

The blonde says, ‘Oh, my god, it’s my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He’s gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!’

I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn’t hide there.

Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he’s bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock.

I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn’t see me…

“The bartender says, “Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.”

“Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, ‘Who you been sleeping with now, witch?

‘The girl says, ‘Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.’Well, the guy starts tearing up the room.

I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I’m thinking, ‘Boy, I’m glad I didn’t hide in there.’

Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn’t hide under there either.

Then I heard him say, ‘What’s that over there by the window?’

I think, ‘Oh God, I’m dead meat now.’But by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking.

Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time.

I figure maybe he’s gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head.

I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!

“The bartender says, “Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure.”

“No, that didn’t really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands.

I mean, look at my fingers. They’re a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass.

“The bartender looks at the guy’s hands and says, “Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.”

“No, that wasn’t what really pissed me off.”The bartender then asks in exasperation,

“Well, then, what did finally piss you off?”

“Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground!”

 

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful piig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!”

The husband calmly replied, “Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead”, the wife sobbed, “but they will be the last words you say to me!”

The husband began:

“Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.”

“She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.”

“Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously.”

“She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away.”

“I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.”

“I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don’t have good taste.”

“I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair.”

The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued:

“She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please sir… Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use”

 

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands,

“Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got.

I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight.

“The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort.

The man swills down the drink and says, “Gimme another one.

“The bartender pours the drink but says, “Now, before I give you this, why don’t you let off a little steam and tell me why you’re so upset?

“The man begins his tale. “Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me.

I thought, ‘Wow, this has never happened before.’ You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true.

Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I’m interested.

I couldn’t believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar.

So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true.

“He continues, “She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room.

As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress.

That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn’t take me much longer to get out of my clothes.

But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.”

The blonde says, ‘Oh, my god, it’s my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He’s gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!’

I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn’t hide there.

Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he’s bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock.

I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn’t see me…

“The bartender says, “Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.”

“Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, ‘Who you been sleeping with now, witch?

‘The girl says, ‘Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.’Well, the guy starts tearing up the room.

I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I’m thinking, ‘Boy, I’m glad I didn’t hide in there.’

Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn’t hide under there either.

Then I heard him say, ‘What’s that over there by the window?’

I think, ‘Oh God, I’m dead meat now.’But by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking.

Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time.

I figure maybe he’s gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head.

I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!

“The bartender says, “Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure.”

“No, that didn’t really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands.

I mean, look at my fingers. They’re a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass.

“The bartender looks at the guy’s hands and says, “Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.”

“No, that wasn’t what really pissed me off.”The bartender then asks in exasperation,

“Well, then, what did finally piss you off?”

“Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground!”

 

A soldier stationed abroad recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

“Dear Jack,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,

Becky”

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky ... 

Jack included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope…. along with this note:

“Dear Becky,

I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Jack.”

 

A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself.

As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “what’s the matter?”

The Blonde Guy replies, “well I’ve got these two horses sniff, sniff, and well… I can’t tell them apart.

I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.

“Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”

The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

“What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.

The Blonde Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses sob, sob, but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”

He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.

A few months later the guy is back in the bar.

The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.

Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.

“I.. I shaved the sob mane of one of the sniff horses, and… it… it… grew back!”

The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!”

The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims.

“I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open.

Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.

“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real Rugby player.

They start to talk and eventually go back to his place:

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

“What’s that for?” the lady questions.

“Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.”

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

‘What’s that ?’ the lady questions again.

“Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.”

Then the man drops his underwear and on his pen!s, he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams:

“Don’t tell me you have AIDS!”

The man replies:

“No, no…!!! Calm down…!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute…