Things can quickly turn complicated if two people from the same family start relationships with two people from another family.

This story is a hilarious example of just that.

 

An Alabaman went to see a psychiatrist because of his drinking problem.  He sat down on the couch in his office, and the psychiatrist asked him, “So, can you tell me the reason why you’re drinking?”

 

The patient took a deep breath and said, “Sure, I know exactly why I’m drinking, and I’ll tell you right now.  It all started when I got married, and I guess I should never have done it.  I met and married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.”

 

The man went on, “One day, my dad came to visit us.  He promptly fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter and eventually married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.  Soon, me and my wife had a son who was, of course, my dad’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my dad’s wife.

 

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my dad, she was also my stepmother!  Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.  As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother.  Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.

 

It gets better: I am now my wife’s grandson.  Since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.”

 

The psychiatrist looked horrified, took a deep breath and said,

 

“Now I understand why you drink.  By all means, keep it up!”

 

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I’ve seen the unclothed human body before.

”The patient said, “Not one like mine.

You would die laughing at my bared body.”

“Of course, I won’t laugh.”, said the nurse to the patient.

I am a professional. In over twenty years, I have never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then”, said the patient and he proceeded to drop his trousers,

revealing a huge male body with a smallest male organ, the nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the patient’s private part, she composed herself, as well as she could.

“I am so sorry”, the nurse said. “I do not know what came over to me.

On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again.

Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen”, the patient replied.

 

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful piig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!”

The husband calmly replied, “Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead”, the wife sobbed, “but they will be the last words you say to me!”

The husband began:

“Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.”

“She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.”

“Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously.”

“She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away.”

“I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.”

“I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don’t have good taste.”

“I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair.”

The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued:

“She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please sir… Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use”

 

Mom: Time to wake up and go to school!

Son: No, I don’t wanna go to school today!

Mom: But you have to go to school.

Son: But, I don’t wanna go to school.

Mom: Give me three good reasons why you should stay home, and I will give you three reasons why you need to go to school.

Son: Well, all the students hate me… and… All the teachers hate me… and… I just don’t wanna go to school!

Mom: Well, I have a lot to do today, and I can’t take care of you today…

Two, you are over 40-years-old…

And three, you are the principal.

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

“Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Johnny.

“Nope,” replied Jimmy.

“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”

Again Jimmy said, “Nope.”

“You didn’t steal it, did you?” asked Johnny.

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty”.

Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch.

He vowed to get one for himself.

That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, “What do you want now?”

“I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine.

Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet”.

Little Johnny is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents,

“How was I born?”

His mother awkwardly answers,

“The stork brought you.”

“Oh,” says Little Johnny.

“Well, how were you and Daddy born?”

“Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”

The Little Johnny begins his paper,

“This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently

If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good

Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

Johnny: “Because I've already got a freaking cat!”

 

A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself.

As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “what’s the matter?”

The Blonde Guy replies, “well I’ve got these two horses sniff, sniff, and well… I can’t tell them apart.

I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.

“Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”

The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

“What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.

The Blonde Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses sob, sob, but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”

He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.

A few months later the guy is back in the bar.

The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.

Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.

“I.. I shaved the sob mane of one of the sniff horses, and… it… it… grew back!”

The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!”

The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims.

“I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”