A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,

“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,

“No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says,

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”

 

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that

I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That's okay, it's a coincidence

I'm looking for my wife, too

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her

What does she look like?”

“Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts

What does your wife look like?”

The old guy replies, “It doesn't matter, let's look for yours.”

Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.

She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

“Who is the creator of the universe?”

Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.

Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”

The teacher congratulated her.

A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”

Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”

The teacher congratulated her again.

Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”

Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”

“What’s the jigsaw supposed to be?” asks the brunette.

“According to the box,” says the blonde, “it’s supposed to be a rooster.”

When the brunette arrives at the blonde’s apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces.

Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, “I’m afraid you will not be able to make anything even remotely resembling a rooster.”

This makes the blonde furious. “Calm down,” says the brunette.

“Once you are relaxed, we can start putting the corn flakes back into the box.”

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she whispered. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. “Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”

The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: “One, two, three, four. Oh, you’re right.”

 

A farmer is in the middle of plowing his field when his tractor runs out of gas.

He needs to get back to the farm, but it’s too far for him and his dog, Old Joe, to walk.

He wanders out to the road and flags down a sports car.

The driver says,

“I’ll give you a ride, but that dog can’t get in my car.”

The farmer says, “Don’t worry. Old Joe will keep up.”

The driver decides to show off and open up the engine for max speed.

Just as he’s going into fifth gear, he looks out the window and sees Old Joe right beside him.

In amazement, he slams on the brakes and Old Joe comes to a halt.

The driver jumps out, exclaiming:

“He’s the most incredible dog I’ve ever seen! Is there something special about that collar he’s wearing?”

The farmer shakes his head and says:

“That’s not a collar. That’s his a**hole. He’s not used to stopping that fast.”

A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“No laundry” the boy said, “I'm going to wash my dog.”

“But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog

It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick

In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy

The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”

The boy replied, “I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh, what was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”

The husband and his young wife did not have a good relationship.

The wife was even convinced that he was having an affair with the pretty housemaid and set a trap for him.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend without informing the husband. When they went to bed that night, the husband told the old story,

“Excuse me, my dear…

Stomach”, and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife immediately ran down the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed.

She had just time to switch off the light when he quietly entered………..

He wasted neither time nor words, but quickly took out his gun, laid on top of her and beat her like there was no tomorrow.

When he had finished, still panting, the woman said, “You didn’t expect to find me in this bed, did you?” and switched on the light. “No, madam,” said the gardener.