A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.

On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited.

He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a pure and wants to stay that way.

“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a bl**job?”

“Yuck!” she screams.

“I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”

He says, “Well, then, how about a ha**job?”

“I’ve never done that,” she says.

“What do I have to do?”

“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”

She nods.

“Well, it’s just like that.”

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.

“Take your thumb off the end!!”

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

“Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,

“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,

“No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says,

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”

A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’

Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’

‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’

A man went into a restaurant and the waitress came over to ask him what he wanted.

The man said, ‘I’ll have some vanilla ice cream and some strawberry ice cream, some lemon ice cream and some banana ice cream.’

‘OK, sir.’ said the waitress, ‘Will there be anything else?’

‘Er, yes…’ said the man, ‘Do you have any chocolate sauce?’

‘Yes, sir. We do,’ replied the waitress.

‘Great, I’ll have double chocolate sauce on that.’

‘Anything else, sir?’

‘Oh, yes, do you have any cream?’

‘Certainly sir.’

‘And,’ continued the man, ‘I’ll have extra cream on all of those.’

‘Yes sir.’ said the waitress, writing down the whole order, ‘And would you like any nuts on top?’

‘Nuts?’ said the man, horrified, ‘Oh, no! I won’t have any nuts. I’m on a diet.’

God was just about done creating humans.  He was feeling pretty satisfied with his work, but he had two parts left over.

 

He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them.

 

“I’ve got two things for you, but you’ll have to decide who gets what.  The first thing is the ability to pee standing up…”

 

Adam interrupted, “Oh please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have.  Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!”

 

On and on he went like an excited little boy, bouncing up and down.

 

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.

 

So God gave Adam the ability to pee standing up.

 

Adam was so excited that he just started whizzing all over the place – first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he ‘did the helicopter’ with his thing.

 

“Look Eve, I’m a sprinkler!”

 

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.”

 

Eve asked, “What’s that?”

 

God said, “Brains.”

A man went into a restaurant and the waitress came over to ask him what he wanted.

The man said, ‘I’ll have some vanilla ice cream and some strawberry ice cream, some lemon ice cream and some banana ice cream.’

‘OK, sir.’ said the waitress, ‘Will there be anything else?’

‘Er, yes…’ said the man, ‘Do you have any chocolate sauce?’

‘Yes, sir. We do,’ replied the waitress.

‘Great, I’ll have double chocolate sauce on that.’

‘Anything else, sir?’

‘Oh, yes, do you have any cream?’

‘Certainly sir.’

‘And,’ continued the man, ‘I’ll have extra cream on all of those.’

‘Yes sir.’ said the waitress, writing down the whole order, ‘And would you like any nuts on top?’

‘Nuts?’ said the man, horrified, ‘Oh, no! I won’t have any nuts. I’m on a diet.’

 

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that

I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That's okay, it's a coincidence

I'm looking for my wife, too

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her

What does she look like?”

“Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts

What does your wife look like?”

The old guy replies, “It doesn't matter, let's look for yours.”