The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.

Afraid of make love harassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.

But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.

“Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”

Looking him in the eyes, she replied, “My lawyer!”

A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s home for the first time.

He’s looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words.

He picks one of them down just as girlfriend’s mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.

“Oh those. They’re family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself.”

She pulls one cup down that says “HIC-” holding it out to the man

“This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it’s the HIC-cup!”

She then pulls down another cup “This is for Angela, but it says BREA. whenever she’s heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy, so this is her BREA-Cup.”

“Ahh, okay I see it now.” Says the boy “But doesn’t your husband have his own cup?”

“Oh he does” The mom replies “It’s the large one that says ‘SHUTTHEFU’ on it…”

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you,you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded… “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.”

“No, from skipping.”

A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s home for the first time.

He’s looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words.

He picks one of them down just as girlfriend’s mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.

“Oh those. They’re family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself.”

She pulls one cup down that says “HIC-” holding it out to the man

“This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it’s the HIC-cup!”

She then pulls down another cup “This is for Angela, but it says BREA. whenever she’s heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy, so this is her BREA-Cup.”

“Ahh, okay I see it now.” Says the boy “But doesn’t your husband have his own cup?”

“Oh he does” The mom replies “It’s the large one that says ‘SHUTTHEFU’ on it…”

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.

Afraid of make love harassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.

But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.

“Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”

Looking him in the eyes, she replied, “My lawyer!”

 

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a h*le and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”

The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

Two women friends had gone out for a girls night out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her underwear, used them and threw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her underwear.”

“That’s nothing,” said the other.

“Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her bum that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'”

A wife woke up from her night’s sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.

“I dream they were auctioning off tool in this place, “she began, “the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20.”

“How about the ones like mine?” asked her husband.

“Those they gave away,” she replied tongue in cheek.

“I had a dream too,” started the husband.

“I dream they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!”

“And how much for the ones like mine?” enquirer the wife to her husband.

“That’s where they held the auction,” he replied.