A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

“Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 – The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 – I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister

Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

 

A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper.

“Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed”

She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn’t find anybody suitable.

She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring.

She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

“Can I help you?” She asks.

The man smiles and says “Its me, your new husband!”

“You must be joking…” The woman laughs.

“Well think about it,” he says. “I have no arms so i cannot beat you.

I have no legs so i cant walk all over you.

“The woman’s eyes narrow and she asks “Are you still good in bed?

“The man leans back in his chair and smiles.

“I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”a

 

A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper.

“Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed”

She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn’t find anybody suitable.

She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring.

She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

“Can I help you?” She asks.

The man smiles and says “Its me, your new husband!”

“You must be joking…” The woman laughs.

“Well think about it,” he says. “I have no arms so i cannot beat you.

I have no legs so i cant walk all over you.

“The woman’s eyes narrow and she asks “Are you still good in bed?

“The man leans back in his chair and smiles.

“I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”a

Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said.

My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.” Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks …. so how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.” The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:”Had Graeme circumcised.”

The police were called to a female gym.

 

The female manager ran out to greet the two male officers as they exited their vehicle.

 

“Please, come quickly.” She said in horror, “We’ve found a peep hole drilled into the changing room. Some pervert has been watching us!”

 

“Don’t worry,” the policeman said reassuringly, “We’ll track down the suspect right away. Please tell all the ladies to go back to their exercising. There’s nothing to worry about anymore.”

 

The gym manager nodded, relieved, “And what about the hole in the wall?”

 

“Rest assured” The other police officer said,…

 

“We’ll be looking into it”

 

Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground So large that they can’t see the bottom of this hole.

“I wonder how deep it is.”, the first man says.The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole They wait and listen… … 30 seconds pass and still not a sound.

“Wow!”, they both exclaim “Let’s try something else.”, says one man to the other.

They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen… still nothing.

“My goodness! How deep this hole must be!”, says one man“Let’s try that huge log over there.”, says the other.

Again, with a struggle, they haul this huge log to the hole, and roll it in.

As they wait and listen, and seemingly out of nowhere, a goat runs up and jumps in the hole.

As they both look at each other in shock, they hear a tractor coming across the field.

Shortly after, a farmer arrives, and asks, “Either of you boys seen my goat?”.

“Yeah!”, they both exclaim “One just came by and jumped in this hole!” The farmer sits back and tells them…

… “No, no Couldn’t have been my goat My goat was chained to a huge log.”

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you,you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded… “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.”

“No, from skipping.”

 

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a h*le and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”

The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”