A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

“Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 – The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 – I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister

Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

 

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.?”

“Yes,” he replies.

“Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds.”

“Well,” the old woman snickers, “should we get undressed again for old time’s sake?”

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table.

“You know,” the old woman says breathlessly, “my melons are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.”

“I’m not surprised,” replies the old man.

“One’s in your coffee and the other’s in your oatmeal!”

 

Two Irishmen from Galway were looking at a mail order catalog and admiring the pictures of the models.

I think that’s something that all men have done, well usually in their teens, but this is a small town in Galway where the woman are usually more reserved and men, well men are men and a pretty girl will always attract attention.

Michael said to Seamus, “Have ye seen the gorgeous women in this catalog Seamus?”

Seamus replied, “Yes I have Michael and aren’t they all gorgeous too”.

“And have you seen the price”, Michael exclaimed with wide eyes.

“Will you look at that, they aren’t at all expensive.

At this price I’m buying one”. Seamus smiled and patted Michael on the back.

“Good idea Michael. You order one and if she’s as gorgeous as she is in the catalog, I will get one too”.

Three weeks later, Seamus asks his friend, “Did you ever receive that girl you ordered from the catalog?”

Michael replied, “No I didn’t Seamus, but it shouldn’t be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday”.

 

This Old Man Has An Unusual Talent.

 

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I want a 12-year-old scotch, and don’t try to fool me because I can tell the difference.”

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip, scowIs, and says, “Hey bartender! This crap is 5-year-old scotch.I told you that I wanted a 12-year-old.”

The bartender won’t give up and tries once more, this time with an 8-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces, and says, “Bartender, I do not want 8-year-old scotch like this filth. Give me a 12-year-old scotch or I’ll leave!”

Impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year-old scotch on the house. The man takes a sip and sighs,

“Ah, now that’s the real thing.”

A disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, “Hey, I think that’s really far out what you can do. Try this one.”

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, “Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!”

The drunk’s eyes light up and he says, “So how old am l?”

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn’t been seeing each other for very long and she lived in  and he lived in Kerry.

Paddy consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note… not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Marks and Spencer’s and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of for herself at the same time.

Marks and Spencer’s had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Paddy unknowingly got the .

Good old Paddy sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Maggie I chose these because I’ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears  ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little  tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean.

In fact she hasn’t needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little  because they will be naturally a little  from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will  them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Patrick P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little of  showing.

 

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit:

He asks the old biker his name.

“Fred.” He replies.

“Fred what?” The officer asks.

“Just Fred.” The old man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the old biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name.

The old man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The old biker replies.

“It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! I got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”

The officer walked away in tears, laughing!

A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll for his daughters birthday.

The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95.

Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95.

Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95′.

The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’

Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles.’

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.

They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.”

Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”

The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”