A farmer has four beautiful daughters

He’s a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around,

he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder.

Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’m Freddy! I’m here to pick up Betty! We’re gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?”

The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he can’t see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.”

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’m Jim! I’m here to pick up Kim! We’re gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?”

The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him:

“ok, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool.”

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’m Joe! I’m here to pick up Flo! We’re gonna go to a show! Can she go?”

By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.”

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’m Chuck—“ and the farmer shoots him.

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic.

One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, “Why are you crying?”

The first one replied, “I came here for blood test.”

The second one asked, “So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?”

The first guy replied, “No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger.”

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, “Why are you crying?”

Then the second guy replied, “I have come for a urine test.”

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.” Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims,

“My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”

He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”

At that, the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”.

He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

 

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s tes-ticles, and he will stop snoring. “Yeah right!” she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s tes-ticles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s tes-ticles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, “I don’t know where we were …. or what we did … but, … We took first and second place.

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.” Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims,

“My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”

He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”

At that, the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”.

He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.

After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”

The first woman went on, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”

The first woman then asked, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Mount Isa lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “What on earth could they teach you?”

Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said.

My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.” Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks …. so how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.” The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:”Had Graeme circumcised.”

 

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.

“How bad is it?” the doctor asks.

“I have no idea.” the husband says.

“Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something.

If she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say the same thing.

Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you.

That way we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss.”

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.

From 20 feet away: “What are we having for dinner?”

No answer.

From 10 feet: Same thing.

From 5 feet: Same thing.

Finally, he's standing right behind her:

“What’s for dinner?”

She turns around, looks at him and says:

“For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!”