A farmer has four beautiful daughters

He’s a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around,

he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder.

Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’m Freddy! I’m here to pick up Betty! We’re gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?”

The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he can’t see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.”

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’m Jim! I’m here to pick up Kim! We’re gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?”

The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him:

“ok, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool.”

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’m Joe! I’m here to pick up Flo! We’re gonna go to a show! Can she go?”

By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.”

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’m Chuck—“ and the farmer shoots him.

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date.

He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, “It’s simple.

I just say, I’m a lawyer.”

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.

After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”

He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, lovemaking, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already lovemaking someone.

 

A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune… the Woolworth’s manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right.

The woman’s husband sits patiently in the waiting room.

After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver.

The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles.

Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, ‘Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?’

‘I don’t know,’ replies the flustered doctor, ‘I can’t get my bag open!’

 

A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune… the Woolworth’s manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date.

He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, “It’s simple.

I just say, I’m a lawyer.”

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.

After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”

He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, lovemaking, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already lovemaking someone.

  

Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break……?’

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “Ar*e Hole” .

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Bev called him a “Sh1t Head”.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.

 

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s tes-ticles, and he will stop snoring. “Yeah right!” she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s tes-ticles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s tes-ticles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, “I don’t know where we were …. or what we did … but, … We took first and second place.