A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.

The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”

The man replies, “Yes, I am

I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”

The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this

“So you're telling me you were speeding… AND committed a robbery?”

“Yes,” the man calmly says

“I have the loot in the back.”

The cop begins to get angry

“Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me.”

The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

“Don't do that!” the man yells fearfully

“I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!”

The cop pulls his hand out

“Wait here,” he says.

The cop calls for backup.

Soon cop cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car.

However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car?!”

The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”

I was out walking with my 5-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth.

I took the thing away from her and asked her not to do that.

“Why?” she asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, and you don’t know where it’s been. It’s dirty. And it probably has germs.”

At this point, my daughter looked at me with absolute admiration and asked, “Mom, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”

I thought quickly and replied, “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mom.”

We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“Oh, I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the dad.”

“Exactly,” I said. 

 

A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.

She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.

Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.

She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.

“Oh, no!” the blonde shouted in dismay.

“This one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

 

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

 

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of protection.

“That will be $1.08, please,” says the clerk.

“What’s the 8 cents for?” asks the blonde.

“It says one dollar right here on the packaging.”

“Tax,” replies the clerk.

“Gee”, says the blonde,

“I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put.”

 

A Scottish man had been working for years building his own brewery.

He carefully developed his favourite brews. Meticulously crafting flavors he loved.

He was involved in every step, from hop selection, to bottle choices, to even designing the labels with his picture on the bottles, flowing red locks and all.

As he began bottling and kegging his new crafts he went from bar to bar. And each time he was meet with rejection.

Not one offer crossed his path.

Tired, and frustrated he finally asked one of the bar owners why he wouldn’t buy his beer.

“Were a bar Sir, we don’t serve Ginger ale.”

 

A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.

She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.

Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.

She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.

“Oh, no!” the blonde shouted in dismay.

“This one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher).

The only way to make the donkey go, is to say “Hallelujah!” and the only way to make the donkey stop, is to say “Amen!”

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher’s instructions.

Hallelujah!” shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.

“Amen!” shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

“This is great!”, said the man. With a “Hallelujah,” he rode off very proud of his new purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains.

Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.

“Stop,” said the man. “Halt!” he cried. The donkey just kept going.

“Oh, no… ‘Bible!… Church!… Please Stop!!” shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster… and he was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer… “Please, Dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the edge of this mountain, in Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

“HALLELUJAH!” shouted the man.