One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.

She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.

No one raises his/her hand.

The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.

None of the students holds up his/her hands.

“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.

“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer.

None of the students recognized the animal.

“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”

Still no one guesses.

“Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”

Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard.”

 

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

One evening, the 72-year-old men Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk.

Ole turns to Sven and asks,

“Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?”

Sven says, “Donno, but I’m drunk enough to go ask em!”

So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door.

Lena the old friend of them answers and says,

“Vell, Ole, and Sven, come on in!”

Ole no more than gets in the door when he says,

“Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us.”

Lena is really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them.

Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again.

Lena isn’t stupid, she knows it’s Ole and says,

“Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you’ll have to talk through the keyhole.”

So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks,

“Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?”

Lena is really upset now.

She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and breaks wind.

As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks,

“Vell Ole, vat did she say?”

Ole says,

“Vell, I tink she said FFFFfffffrrriiddaay, but her breath is so bad I’m not askin’ again.”

  

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called...

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called...Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. Okay. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

  

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.

“What’s wrong?” gasps her best friend Carol.

“It’s my boyfriend.” gushes Judi.

“He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!”

“My god”, shrieks Carol. “Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?”

“No thank goodness” sniffs Judi.

“But it was the one just next to it!”

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, “Where is everybody?”

The bartender replies, “They’ve gone to the hanging.”

“Hanging? Who are they hanging?”

“Brown Paper Pete,” the bartender replied.

“What kind of a name is that?” the cowboy asked.

“Well,” says the bartender.

“He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes.”

“How bizarre,” said the cowboy.

“What are they hanging him for?”

“Rustling,” said the bartender

Sam had proposed to young Lisa and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

“Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor.

“Yes, sir,” replied Sam, “I am.”

“Well,” said Lisa’s father, “think carefully now. There are six of us.”

“You have been a good cat all of these years

Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”.

The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”.

God says: “Say no more”

Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice die and go to heaven.

God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat.

The mice said: “All our lives we've had to run

Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us

If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore”.

God says: “Say no more”

And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing.

The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.

God gently wakes him and asks: “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”

The cat yawns and stretches and says:

“Oh, I've never been happier in my life

And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!”