A blonde went to a hair dresser’s one day, listening to a Walkman.

The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied,

“I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off.”

The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told.

While she was brushing the blonde’s hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground.

As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor.

The hair dresser was very confused.

She picked up the head phones and listened.

This is what she heard…”breath in… Breath out… Breath in… Breath out…”!

 

The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,

a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her distinct lack of underwear.

“Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?” Ole demanded.

“Well,” she said. “You don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,

“For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

“Blessed vi**gin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers! Why not?”

She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says,

“For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over to the tee.

The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, has nothing underneath.

“Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin’ hell are yer drawers?”

She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,

“Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”

 

   

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,

“Stop! Acts 2:38!”

Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,

“Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar.

“She said she had an Ax and Two 38s”

 

An old man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful uniformed woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides that, because she’s wearing a uniform, she’s probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

‘To Fly. To Serve’?

The woman looks at him blankly

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto

‘Winning the hearts of the world’?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto

‘Going beyond expectations’?

The woman looks at him sternly and says

‘What the bang do you want?’

‘Aha!’

The old man says, “Qantas!”.

  

 An old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says

“I want to get a tattoo”.

The artist hesitantly replies

“Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?”

Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh”

Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?”

Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!”

Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.”

Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh”

Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?”

Old lady:

“Because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!”

 

The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,

a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her distinct lack of underwear.

“Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?” Ole demanded.

“Well,” she said. “You don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,

“For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

“Blessed vi**gin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers! Why not?”

She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says,

“For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over to the tee.

The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, has nothing underneath.

“Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin’ hell are yer drawers?”

She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,

“Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”

 

A blonde went to a hair dresser’s one day, listening to a Walkman.

The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied,

“I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off.”

The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told.

While she was brushing the blonde’s hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground.

As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor.

The hair dresser was very confused.

She picked up the head phones and listened.

This is what she heard…”breath in… Breath out… Breath in… Breath out…”!