A 67 year old woman walks into a drugstore.

 

There’s a lot of people in the store, and she goes to stand in line.

After a while, it’s her turn at the counter.

She asks, “Hi, do you sell extra large condoms?”

The cashier says “Yes” and points her down aisle 11.

About 30 minutes go by, and the pharmacist notices that the woman is still standing in aisle 11, looking at the condoms.

He decides to go see if she needs any help.

He says, “Did you find the extra large condoms?”

She responds, “Yes, now I’m just waiting for someone to buy some.”

🤣😃😂😱😇

 

Little Johnny’s wife went to their doctor & when he asked what was the problem was she told him Little Johnny’s no good in bed, well.

The doctor is amazed & said are we talking about the same bloke, the one we use to call Little Johnny “Boner” when we were kids.

She replied that’s him alright, when we get into bed he is either too tired or he’s got a headache (now where have I heard that before) & I’ve tried still no good.

So the Doc gives her these tablets & tells her to be very careful & tonight around dinner time put one in his drink.

The next day Little Johnny’s wife storms into the Doc’s surgery & throws the tablets at him & Doc says don’t tell me they didn’t work.

 She says they worked alright, & the Doc says well what’s the problem & she says I dropped them in his drink at dinner time, next minute he sent everything on the table flying, threw me on on the table & done the deed.

Well the Doc said, “what’s the problem.”

She said, “It’s the last time we’ll be eating at that restaurant.”

 

Three young women are at a cocktail party.

The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thing.”

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in for two weeks.”

The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.”

“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”

 

A woman was with her boyfriend in her bedroom when she heard her husband coming up the front door.
In a panic she told her boyfriend “Hurry, stand in the corner and do not move until I tell you to.
Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this, honey?” Her husband asked walking into the room.
“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly.
“Our neighbours bought one for their bedroom.
I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
They went to sleep and then around four o’clock in the morning the husband got out of bed ... 

went to the kitchen and came back with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the neighbours’ for 2 days and nobody offered me so much as even a glass of water.

  

 An old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says

“I want to get a tattoo”.

The artist hesitantly replies

“Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?”

Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh”

Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?”

Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!”

Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.”

Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh”

Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?”

Old lady:

“Because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!”

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher).

The only way to make the donkey go, is to say “Hallelujah!” and the only way to make the donkey stop, is to say “Amen!”

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher’s instructions.

Hallelujah!” shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.

“Amen!” shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

“This is great!”, said the man. With a “Hallelujah,” he rode off very proud of his new purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains.

Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.

“Stop,” said the man. “Halt!” he cried. The donkey just kept going.

“Oh, no… ‘Bible!… Church!… Please Stop!!” shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster… and he was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer… “Please, Dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the edge of this mountain, in Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

“HALLELUJAH!” shouted the man.

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.

She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.

No one raises his/her hand.

The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.

None of the students holds up his/her hands.

“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.

“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer.

None of the students recognized the animal.

“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”

Still no one guesses.

“Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”

Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard.”

 

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.

The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.

They were skin-tight, high waist ed and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or Velcro for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

“Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?”

“Well,” she replied, “you can start by buying me a drink.”