A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes!

He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants lovemaking, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous.

If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was lesbian, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”

 

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.

She goes to the park and meets a boy.

They talk about climbing trees.

The boy says to the girl: “Go on climb that tree.”

The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.

Her mum says: “oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.”

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met that boy again.

He told her to climb again and she did.

When she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: “My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.”

The girl replied and said: “No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!”

 

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck’s house and said,

“Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Chuck said, “OK, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Chuck said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.”

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?”

Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”

The farmer said, “Didn‘t anyone complain?”

Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”

 

 

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says: “A gorgeous Italian girl!”

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?”

Very good, thank you.”

“And, what happened to my present?”

Which present?” She asked.

“The one I asked for – a gorgeous Italian girl!”

Oh, that” she said, “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!”

 

James Bond walks into a bar.

He looks around, and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

Bond explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I  wearing panties!”

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says,

“Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”

 A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in lovemaking.

He gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental.

He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner.

At dinner that night, she does just that.

About a week later she’s back at the doctor and tells him, “The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.

It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table.”

The doctor says, “Oh dear I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

The lady replied, “That’s very kind but I don’t think the restaurant will let us back in anyway.”

 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house
Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house“Darling,” replied the man “I can’t lie to you

I’ve been having an affair with my secretary
I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

 

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover's spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising snuation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doina?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."