A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar.

She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish-fly in the drink.

The bartender whispers back to say he’s all out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.

Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, OK, put some of that in her drink.

As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy.

Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear. ‘Let’s go shopping.’

 

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.

Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.

However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge cheque yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the cheque,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send cheques for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years, Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”

Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently... Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

 

Three young women are at a cocktail party.

The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thing.”

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in for two weeks.”

The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.”

“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage:

“Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine.

I open its’ heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.

“Try doing it with the engine running”

 

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.

Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.

However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge cheque yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the cheque,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send cheques for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years, Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”

Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently... Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

 

Mr Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck.

“I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”

The next day, Mrs Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

“Am I speaking to Mrs Wilson?”

“Yes. Speaking.”

AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”

“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.

“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.

“What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?”

“Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”

“GOD! This is too much.”

“Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.”

“I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.”

That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.

“What’s going on? Do you have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.

“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC,

“It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”

“PAY you? And if I refuse?”

“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”

“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.

“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”