Little Johnny was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him,

“How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the Little Johnny responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

“How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little Johnny said.

“All you have to do is add it up like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”

  

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him…

… and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

“Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”

 

Horrified, Jane said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”

 

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

 

“Here.” she said, pointing to her privates, “You must put it in here.”

 

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!

 

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

 

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?!”

 

Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.

   

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that –

you have to be single and

you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”

 

An old farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his 3 sons.

When his sons opened up the will it read:

“My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;”

“My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;”

“My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.”

As it’s impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.

So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.

The farmer friend read the will patiently, and, after giving due thought, brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17.

That increased the total to 18 horses.

Now, he divided the horses according to their father’s will.

Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.

1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.

1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Now add up how many horses they have:

Eldest son 9

Middle son 6

Youngest son 2

TOTAL = 17

This leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm……

One day, a class of third-graders from the city were taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm.

The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.

So the farmer asked one little girl,

“What’s the difference between a rooster and a hen?”

“The hen lays eggs,” replied the little girl.

“Very good!” said the farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl,

“What’s the difference between a duck and a turkey?”

“Well,” replied the little girl.

“Turkeys can’t swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day.”

“Very good!” exclaimed the farmer.

Then he asked little Johnny,

“Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?”

“Yeah,” replied little Johnny with a grin.

“Bulls smile when you milk them.”

 

  

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him…

… and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

“Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”

 

Horrified, Jane said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”

 

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

 

“Here.” she said, pointing to her privates, “You must put it in here.”

 

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!

 

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

 

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?!”

 

Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.

Trump walks electronics store.

The salesman “I’d into an He says to like to buy that little TV and install it in my limo”.

“Sorry, I don’t want to sell you anything.”

Angered, Trump takes the limo home and decides to give it another go.

To cleverly fool the salesman, he dyes his hair black, puts on an Elvis costume and goes back to the store.

“I’d like to buy that TV!”

“I told you Mr. Trump, I’m not selling anything to you.”

Fuming, Trump goes back to his hotel, calls the best make up artist in the city and tells her can you make me look like Obama? “Sure”, she says.

A couple of hours later Trump is the spitting image of Obama.

He goes back to the store.

“Sell me that TV”, he demands in a deep, commanding voice.

“Mr Trump, 1 am telling you for the last time, I will NOT sell you ANYTHING.”

Trump starts jumping up and down in frustration, making a scene.

“How do you know!?” he cries loudly. “Because that is not a TV, that is a micro wave ove.”