Trump walks electronics store.

The salesman “I’d into an He says to like to buy that little TV and install it in my limo”.

“Sorry, I don’t want to sell you anything.”

Angered, Trump takes the limo home and decides to give it another go.

To cleverly fool the salesman, he dyes his hair black, puts on an Elvis costume and goes back to the store.

“I’d like to buy that TV!”

“I told you Mr. Trump, I’m not selling anything to you.”

Fuming, Trump goes back to his hotel, calls the best make up artist in the city and tells her can you make me look like Obama? “Sure”, she says.

A couple of hours later Trump is the spitting image of Obama.

He goes back to the store.

“Sell me that TV”, he demands in a deep, commanding voice.

“Mr Trump, 1 am telling you for the last time, I will NOT sell you ANYTHING.”

Trump starts jumping up and down in frustration, making a scene.

“How do you know!?” he cries loudly. “Because that is not a TV, that is a micro wave ove.”

Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.

The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.

As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.

Days later the young man was proven innocent.

After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.

In court the old man told the Judge:

He just made comments, didn't harm anyone..

The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man:

Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.

Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.

Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.

The next day, the judge told the old man:

Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.

The old man said:

I can't do that ! The wind spread them and I won't know where to find them.

The judge then replied:

The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.

“If you can't speak well of someone, rather don't say anythıng.”

Let's all be masters of our mouths, so that we won't be slaves of our words.

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.

His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed.

He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.

His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?”

He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.”

She thinks to herself “I’m gonna fix him.”

Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, “What was that?”

She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”

Now he thinks, “I’m gonna fix her.”

He’s laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.

He tries so hard he shits in bed.

The wife asks, “Now what the hell was that?”

He replied, “Half time, switch sides.”

A dude-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in the outback of Western Australia.

He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the new by rider bravely asks the old biker.

“If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, “Nah, you go ahead.”

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”

 

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.

Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her.

What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband.

“But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.'”

An inmate escapes from a facility for the criminally insane, in the Irish countryside, on a freezing cold winter night by squeezing through a bathroom window, completely naked. The police are scouring the area and questioning everyone for a sighting.

The local cop goes into the localbar the next day and asks, “Any of you lads see anything strange or anyone lurking about?”

There is a shaking of heads from the taciturn group of drinkers so he heads off.

As he’s going out the door one old geezer say’s “Well There’s nothin at all – except maybe the fellow I saw on the way home about 3am this mornin”

WHAT! where was this! Down the road, he was squatted down in the ice at the bottom of the watery ditch in the lane’ Bollock naked !

Good God man-did’nt you say anything? Oh I surely did- I said HARDY MAN EH.

Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.

The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.

As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.

Days later the young man was proven innocent.

After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.

In court the old man told the Judge:

He just made comments, didn't harm anyone..

The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man:

Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.

Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.

Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.

The next day, the judge told the old man:

Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.

The old man said:

I can't do that ! The wind spread them and I won't know where to find them.

The judge then replied:

The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.

“If you can't speak well of someone, rather don't say anythıng.”

Let's all be masters of our mouths, so that we won't be slaves of our words.

  

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”