It’s a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying “Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound.”

The man says, “I’m having a cookout this weekend. I’d like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please.”

The butcher shakes his head and says, “Sorry. I’m all out.”

The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, “How much is your ground sirloin?”

The proprietor replies, “It’s $3.29 per pound.”

“Three twenty nine!?!” exclaimed the customer.

“Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!”

The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, “Does he have any?”

“No. He’s out of it right now.”

“Well,” says the butcher.

“When I don’t have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!”

 

I got chatting to a girl in a club.

“Can I buy you a drink ?” I asked.

“Have you not got a girlfriend ?” she replied, “Guys like you always have girlfriends.”

“No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago,” I assured her.

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, “Go on then, I’ll have a white wine please.”

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, “So, you’re good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed.

Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend ?”

I said, “My wife found out.”

 

After a long night of making love, Ben rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked Penny if she had one at hand.

“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Penny replied,

“That’s me before the operation.”

 

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

“If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?

“The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said “yes, of course”He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark.

However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over.

the undressed girl was thrown clear, but the boyfriend got stuck in a hole. “Go and get help” he yelled.

“I can’t I’m undressed!” take my shoe, he said, and cover yourself.”

Holding the shoe to her privates she ran off, down the road. 

she came to a gas station , and ran inside to the proprietor.

“Please help, my boyfriend got stuck in a hole!” The proprietor look at her.

Looked at the shoe, and then said: “there’s nothing I can do, he’s too far in.

 

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.

Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her.

What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband.

“But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.'”

A dude-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in the outback of Western Australia.

He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the new by rider bravely asks the old biker.

“If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, “Nah, you go ahead.”

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”

 

 

I was on a very crowded bus and an old woman with a walker gets on.

All the other passengers proceed to file on and take up the remaining standing places but she stands close to me, staring me in the eyes.

After 5 minutes of this, I kindly ask, ‘may I help you?’

She replies, “yes, I have been waiting here for 5 minutes now and you have not offered to give me your seat “

Can you give me a good reason why I should?”

I can give you 5. I am an old woman of 86, I have near paralysis in my left leg, a hip that has been replaced twice, my husband died 3 days ago and every second I stand up is pure agony. Can you give me as many reasons why you deserve the seat more?”

Sadly, only one. I’m the freakin’ driver.”

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.

His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed.

He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.

His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?”

He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.”

She thinks to herself “I’m gonna fix him.”

Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, “What was that?”

She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”

Now he thinks, “I’m gonna fix her.”

He’s laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.

He tries so hard he shits in bed.

The wife asks, “Now what the hell was that?”

He replied, “Half time, switch sides.”