A man left from work one Friday afternoon.

But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

I got chatting to a girl in a club.

“Can I buy you a drink ?” I asked.

“Have you not got a girlfriend ?” she replied, “Guys like you always have girlfriends.”

“No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago,” I assured her.

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, “Go on then, I’ll have a white wine please.”

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, “So, you’re good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed.

Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend ?”

I said, “My wife found out.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir I must have misunderstood you what did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it I said I want to open a damn checking account now!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no damn problem,” the man says,

“I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”

“I see,” says the manager, “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

A man left from work one Friday afternoon.

But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love.

However, no matter what the husband does loving, the woman never achieves peak.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to lovemaking pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.

“Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an peak.”

They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.

But it doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

“Okay”, says the rabbi, “let’s try it reversed.

Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.”

Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming peak.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “You see, THAT’S THE WAY TO WAVE A TOWEL!”

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, “Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?”

The other guy says, “Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive melons in the world was there.

So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said, ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’….so she socked me a good one.”

The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too.

I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, “Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.’

But I accidentally said, ‘You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fatassed bitch.’

 

A man witnesses a man masturbating at a hospital.

Why is he doing this, he wonders the nurse.

The nurse informs him that he will die from a clot if he doesn’t masturbate every six hours.

He then witnesses a nurse giving a man a blowjob in the adjacent room.

“You will have to explain this,” he continues.

In response, the nurse says, “Same problem, better insurance.”

 

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

“If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?

“The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said “yes, of course”He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark.

However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over.

the undressed girl was thrown clear, but the boyfriend got stuck in a hole. “Go and get help” he yelled.

“I can’t I’m undressed!” take my shoe, he said, and cover yourself.”

Holding the shoe to her privates she ran off, down the road. 

she came to a gas station , and ran inside to the proprietor.

“Please help, my boyfriend got stuck in a hole!” The proprietor look at her.

Looked at the shoe, and then said: “there’s nothing I can do, he’s too far in.