A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you, honey”, she says.

“What would you like me to bring back for you?”

He laughs and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” she asks.

“The one I asked for- an Italian girl!”

“Oh, that,” she says. “Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”

There is a very special mirror.

If you stand in front of this mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish.

However, if you tell a lie, POOF! you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.”

POOF! The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I think I’m the sexiest woman alive!” POOF! The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes and stands before the mirror and says, “I think…” POOF! She is swallowed up and is never seen again.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away

He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said,

“It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.

Low grade, but acceptable.”

“That's correct”, said the boss

Another glass…

“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.

Requires three more years for finest results.”

“Correct.” A third glass…

“It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

“It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father.”

It’s a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying “Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound.”

The man says, “I’m having a cookout this weekend. I’d like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please.”

The butcher shakes his head and says, “Sorry. I’m all out.”

The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, “How much is your ground sirloin?”

The proprietor replies, “It’s $3.29 per pound.”

“Three twenty nine!?!” exclaimed the customer.

“Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!”

The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, “Does he have any?”

“No. He’s out of it right now.”

“Well,” says the butcher.

“When I don’t have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!”

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, “Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?”

The other guy says, “Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive melons in the world was there.

So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said, ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’….so she socked me a good one.”

The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too.

I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, “Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.’

But I accidentally said, ‘You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fatassed bitch.’

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.

The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.

They were skin-tight, high-wasted and had no obvious mechanism zipper, buttons or Velcro for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

“Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?”

“Well,” she replied, “you can start by buying me a drink.”

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away

He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said,

“It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.

Low grade, but acceptable.”

“That's correct”, said the boss

Another glass…

“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.

Requires three more years for finest results.”

“Correct.” A third glass…

“It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

“It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father.”

A 92 year old man went to the doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 92 year old said, “Things are great, and I’ve never felt better!”

“I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.”

“What do you think about that, doc?”

The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”

“One day he was setting off to go hunting, but being a bit absent minded, he accidentally forgot to take his ammunition.”

“As he neared a lake, he came across a very nice beaver frolicking at the water’s edge.”

“By now, he realized he had left his ammo at home, and so, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.”

“Nonetheless, he lifted his favorite hunting rifle, aimed down the sites, and yelled ‘bang bang’.”

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver was slain.”

“Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

Theelder man scatched his chin thoughtfully, then said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor nodded,

“My thoughts exactly.