My friend asked me, “Why are you getting a divorce?”

I responded, “My wife wasn’t home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister’s house.”

He said, “So?” And I responded,

“She’s lying. I spent the night at her sister’s house!”

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”

A co-worker told John that John’s wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with John’s best friend.

Worried and hurt, John ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.

He came back to the office contented and relieved.

His co-worker asked him how it went.

“Look,” said John. “Don’t start such terrible rumors!

That guy isn’t my best friend… I don’t even know him.”

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.

The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.

But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked.

She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.

All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her.

This took everyone by surprise.

The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.

“Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?”

“Sure. Do you know the bulls only bang the cows once a year?”

“Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?”

“And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?”

“Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?”

“Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your melons twice a day, but only bang you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad, too?”

A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.

Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons.

In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of male member are there?”

The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.

In a man’s twenties, his manhood is like an oak, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?”

“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”

 

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

Fromunder the blanket she notices four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

-Hi darling, he says,

-Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.

Hope you said hello to them.

A gambler gets a notice that he’s being audited by the IRS The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent.

At the office, the IRS agent looks over all the paper work and says,

“The reason for this audit is because you have a very lavish lifestyle but very little income, can you tell me what you do for a living?”

The gambler replies, “I am a professional gambler.”

“A gambler?” The IRS agent asked with a puzzled look on his face.

“Yes,” says the gambler, “I make all of my money by betting. Would you like a demonstration?”

“Sure, let’s see it,” says the IRS agent.

The gambler proposes, “I bet you $1,000 that I can bite my eye.”

The IRS agent thinks about it for a second, then says, “Ok, you have a bet.”

The gambler pops his glass eye out and bites it. The IRS agent is shocked, but since he made the bet in front of the gambler’s attorney, he knows he can’t back out.

“Alright, alright, that wasn’t totally fair,” the gambler says, “I will give you a chance to win your money back.

I bet you another $1,000 that I can bite my other eye.”

The IRS agent is a bit more cautious this time, so he looks over the man’s paperwork.

He sees that the gambler is not legally blind, so he takes the bet.

The gambler then takes his dentures out of his mouth and bites his other eye.

The IRS agent is now visibly distressed, clearly distraught from owing $2,000.

The gambler makes one final offer: “Ok, double or nothing.

I bet you I can stand on your desk, close my eyes, and  into the trash can on the other side of the room without spilling a single drop.”

The IRS agent doesn’t see how that would be possible and takes the bet.

The gambler gets up onto the agent’s desk,  his pants, closes his eyes, and  all over the agent’s desk.

“YES!!!” The IRS agent exclaimed, thrilled to not owe the gambler $2,000 dollars anymore.

“Shittttt,” the attorney groaned, putting his face into his hands in disappointment.

“What’s wrong?” The IRS agent asked.

“Before we came here, he bet me $20,000 that he would come to your office today,  all over your desk, and you would be happy about it.”