During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t).

When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday!”

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”She answers, “I’m moving to London.

I heard womens there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going,he replies,“I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year.

 

Three old men were sitting around and talking.

The 80 year-old said, “The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again.”

The 85 year-old said, “The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it’s still a problem.”

Then the 90 year-old said, “That’s not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement.”

The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.

 

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years’ time.

The first said, “I would like my grandchildren to say ‘He was great fun to be with.'”

“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want mine to say ‘He was a loyal and loving family man.'”

Turning to the third man, they asked him, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”

“I want them to say,” the third man replied, “He looks really good for his age!”

 

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.

Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.

He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.

He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.

She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”

Donald wanders in to the hardware store and tells the salesman he’s got a lot of firewood to cut and what could he buy to do the job.

The salesman shows Donald the best chainsaw he’s got and tells him he should be able to cut at least 500 cubic ft of wood an hour with it.

Donald says great and takes the chainsaw home with him.

The next day Donald brings back the chainsaw and says he was only able to cut 2 hundred cubic ft of wood with it.

And he wants his money back. The salesman says that can’t be right let’s have a look at the chainsaw.

So he puts it on the counter and starts it up. He revs the engine a couple times. Vroom vroom!!

And Donald says, “what’s that noise?”

 

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

 

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: “Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years.

All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.”

Father: “When was the last time you made a confession?”

Man: “I never have, I am Jewish.”

Father: “Then why are telling me all this?”

Man: “I’m telling everybody!”